He said he could never say never to me.

Let's rewind. I realize I sent that email to Gary not because I had a problem with him going skiing with his sister and her kids but because I felt I might never be allowed in certain parts of his life. Not that I need to meet his family or him mine. But more like we may never go skiing because that's something reserved for his family or something. Petty and jealous but that's how I felt mostly. His reply to my email wasn't exactly flattering. He took my words wrong and thought I had reserved the title and was coming off as 'boyfriend'. And that was something I was avoiding. Avoiding the labeling and just trying to take things slow. Don't scare the boy. In fact, when someone who's heard me mention Gary asks, 'How's your boyfriend doing?', I quickly correct them that the correct term is 'guy-I'm-sorta-dating'. As if their use of the word 'boyfriend' outloud will jinx everything. Ssshh! Sometimes I use 'seeing' instead of 'dating'.

He also mentioned the age difference in his email. That hurt me since it's no longer and barely ever was an issue for me. The email sort of ended with him slamming the door on the possibility of us dating with some kind of purpose. After reading the email at least three times, I decided I'll probably just see other people. And I tried on Saturday night.

I met James in the city. We hung out for a while. Had a couple drinks and then we met up with his boyfriend (who isn't 21 yet). They pretty much ditched me after and I went to Monster alone. I had two apple martinis. flirted and sucked on the cherries and drove the guy on my left crazy. He was just the ego boost I needed and I sat there drinking, looking out of the corner of my eye while talking to him. He said I was beautiful. He said I was hot. He said he loved my hair. My lips. My eyes. I sat there and took it all in like a parasite before turning to him and telling him thanks and that I loved his baseball cap. He offered to buy drinks and stared into my mouth as I sucked on my last cherry before licking the alcohol off my left index finger. I had my fill of apple martinis and compliments and went downstairs to dance alone.

I felt tired and just realized I wanted Gary even more. I walked back upstairs and went to get my coat. Someone grabbed my arm and when I turned around I heard, "You're not leaving yet, are you?" Some different guy. Some different guy who also thought I was beautiful and wanted to buy drinks. I felt like saying, "I don't need to be drunk. I'm already easy. Let's go." I had water (he offered to pay and I refused to let him) and stood talking to him and eventually rambling about how stupid guys can be and about Gary. My so-called beautiful eyes could barely focus. I left soon after. Got home and messaged this guy who's been wanting to meet up/hook up for a while now. I let him come over and I honestly regretted it. We fooled around and I felt myself not touching him in certain ways because it was too close to the way I touch Gary. His smoker's breath was sobering and when he left right after he came, I was glad. It was almost 6am.

Gary called on Sunday night. We talked for about two hours. A lot of 'I-don't-know's' mixed in with silence on both ends. I told him things seemed pretty clear from his email and that I'll just see other people. At least leave myself open to the possibility since he doesn't know what he wants. He didn't like the idea but admitted that it would be fair. We had plans to do something on Monday so we decided to hold to them. I went to Connecticut Monday night.

At first I felt weird. And I tried not to look into his eyes and avoided him looking into mine before we kissed the first few times. I also felt myself staring off a lot even though I tried not to. We had dinner (Chinese) and then sat back on the couch to watch TV. He taped the Sopranos. I sat on the other end and felt him looking over at me. Even though he was sitting right there, I missed him. I moved closer, he pulled me closer and we kissed. By the time we finished watching TV we were back to being all over each other.

While in bed and drifting off to sleep he said he was really sorry about the email. He would feel bad if I dated other people but he would understand. He did a lot of thinking after our talk Sunday night and he felt sad at the thought of not seeing me again. I felt the same way. We both made it clear that neither of us want one of those quick 'n easy relationships most gay men seem to favor. Where two nights after sticking out tongues down each others throats, we pick out China and plan a trip to Vermont to get hitched. The ones where you just add water (or seminal fluid) and you have a boyfriend and it lasts an average of two weeks. Even though we planned on not talking about what happened too much, we ended up talking about it anyway until we fell asleep. His arm across me like always.

We spent a lot of yesterday in bed talking, playing footsie (I hate that word) under the covers and everything now and then breaking into an intense makeout session. We still haven't actually had sex and I'm not in that much of a hurry anymore. Showered, had breakfast, watched TV and drove back to Jersey last night. The drive was quiet and long but not awkward. I like his bed but I like mine more so it was nice to be back home and still be with him. He pulled me into him and said he could never say never to me. To the possibility of us being something. And that's good. I was unsure he'd care if he lost me. I'm not pressuring for commitment. No insta-relationship. That's not what either of us wants anyway. But I'm not into aimless dating. No glorified fuckbuddy.