I woke up around 30 minutes ago in a dream-within a dream state. It was weird. I had lunch today with Norm. It was beautiful out. When I got back my stomach felt upset after a while. I went to lie on the couch a bit to feel better. Norm was here the whole time. I remember dozing off ... and then waking up for a phonecall. It was Bryan's brother. Telling me something about a website. I hung up and went back to the couch. That was around 4:30 this afternoon.

When I got up I felt weird. Of course ... the whole apartment was dark. Whenever that happens ... I have this weird feeling like I'm the last person on earth alive hehe.

"Norm?" I called. "Anybody?"

I sat up on the couch and scanned the room. My contact lenses are out and my glasses were on the coffee table. Everything was blurry and dream-like. All soft lines. Objects merging into one another. I dangled my glasses in fingers, went to the bathroom and washed my face. The whole place still had an eerie feel to it. At times like that ... my senses seem wide open. Colors seem sharper. Or I'm just weird.

Today was pretty good. Didn't do that much and like I said ... I felt sick this afternoon. Last night Ricky and I had this ... I don't even know what to call it. We were talking about stuff and I mentioned something about this job I worked on that turned out to be a favor really. Since I'm like dead broke I really liked the idea of actually having money. Its been like that ever since I learned how to draw. I'd always end up doing favors for people. And I'd be too nice to drag their ass to court.

Anyway ... so I actually start crying while I'm typing to Ricky. He offers to send me some money. And of course I said 'no'. He's offered before. I mean ... I feel bad enough that I haven't been able to pay Ron back. I totally understand that Ricky would feel frustrated but ... I just can't. Its sorta like ... I don't want him to see me that helpless y'know.

The more we talked ... the more frustrated we both seem to get.

"I should go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow. 'Night Angel Boi" .... and he was gone.

I stared at my screen for a while. I felt terrible. We've never left each other like that. Ever. I mean ... our 'goodnights' arent drawn out but never like that. I knew he felt frustrated though so I understood. My eyes filled halfway with water. Husani was still online so I ranted to him for a while. Then I got up and took a shower. I felt like he felt as if I was pushing him away. That's all I thought about while getting ready for bed. I climed into bed and just stared up at the ceiling.

"We never leave each other like that. ...... Never," I thought. "I won't have any 'Ricky Mail' in the morning. I always have Ricky Mail. Always."

He usually emails me just before he goes to bed and tells me not to read it until morning. I got out of bed and walked back over to the computer. Got online and emailed him. Telling him that I didn't like the way we left and that I know he was frustrated. I told him it was sorta just the way I am. I hate borrowing money but if I have money I always help my friends out. I'd actually give them my last dollar. That really is the way I am.

I sat there for a while .. in some way ... hoping that he would log back on and we'd be able to talk it out before going to bed. He didn't and I felt terrible. I wasn't the only one though.

When I got up this morning and checked my email I was pretty surprised to see Ricky Mail (1). Basically saying that he couldn't sleep and got up at around 4:30 to email me. He said he knew it was frustrating for me not having money and stuff but he didn't understand why I wouldn't let him help me.

I replied trying to sort of explain it. To be honest ... I'm even totally sure why I don't want him to help me. I mean ... he cares about me and I ... him. My mom's actually the same way. It was pretty hard for her as a single parent to raise me and my sister but she never asked her boyfriend to help. And he's a doctor. It takes nothing from him to help y'know. He also wanted to. She'd barely be able to pay the rent but she wouldn't ask. I think she did ask him to help once but that was after I saw her cry about it days before.