I'm at Eric's right now. Alone. Without the internet. Sad that I need it that much .... I know. Its just that I at least have people to chat with online. I don't here. I love his apartment though and it makes me want my own even more. Dave, an online buddy said I should get a cat when I do get my apartm.....

....so I went out with Joey last night. I'm about to cry. Not cuz of what I just said .... I'm watching Ally Mcbeal and I really do feel totally alone right now. Sitting with my legs folded on Eric's couch. Using the company's laptop.

So I went out with Joey. Joey was the jerk in the first few pages of this journal. The jerk who stood me up when we were s'posed to meet for the first time. I actually got over that. Before I left to go back to the Caribbean though. We sorta just drifted apart. I called him one day and he never returned my call. I don't think I saw him online or heard from him again .....

... until like 2 weeks ago.

He paged me on Yahoo Messenger. I was pretty much in shock. I was at the office.

He said he was in Florida on vacation and he wanted us to hang out when he got back. He said he was a real jerk before and he wanted a second chance.

I ... loved him.

I know I've said those words a lot.

I fall in love easily. And its real. Its never just an infatuation. That happens too. But I'm not lying when I say I love someone. My feelings are very much real. They also don't just fade away when someone hurts me or I say I love some OTHER guy.

I loved Joey.

I can't explain it. I did though.

I'm not sure when he got back to New York. I saw him online though and he said we could do something on Sunday (yesterday). I gave him my cell number. He gave me his pager number and said I should page him at around 5 Sunday afternoon.

Now would be a good time to mention guy #2,927,973. Patrick. He lives in Queens. He's great. Its nothing sexual at all with him though. He also has a girlfriend. I just like chatting with him. Reminds me of Rick.

We swap email a lot and we plan to have lunch someti....gosh, how sad is my life that I have to connect with people through a phoneline. Depressing. It really is. Anyway .... I like him ok.

He was really busy so I gave him my number. He said he had the weekend off. I was hoping to go out with him. Gosh the holidays suck. I already see my holiday tombstone. I'll be alone. Even if I spend it with Normie or Bryan .... I'll be alone.

Anyway .... so I figure .... Patrick's off. He might be online at least or he might call Saturday night. Bryan gets the crazy idea to go to Queens and wants me to go with him to see the new computers in the office and stuff. Everyone knows I never have plans so saying i did would'nt've worked.

I knew Patrick would've been online ... but ... but only cuz I wasn't. Stuff like that happens all the time. I kept looking over at my phone while we drove to Queens. I knew he would'nt call. He probably didn't feel comfortable. I don't blame him. I would'nt've felt comfortable either.

Being at the office sucked. Big time. Ro had a great time. She was playing this game she was dying to. I on the other hand had a great time staring up at the ceiling fan. Watching the dust and wondering why they didn't clean it.

Spinning in my chair .... staring up at the ceiling fan.

My phone rang.

It was another one of those moments frozen in time. I reached for it and saw the word "Scott" flashing. Yet another guy that I've met since my 11-7 entry. He's pretty kewl. He's actually in Queens too. A nice guy to go to the movies with. I didn't feel like talking and Bryan was explaining something to me anyway so I ended the call pretty quickly.

Getting online was the first thing I did when I got home. It was like a little after midnight I think. Tuff (Patrick) left me an offline.

Ever had something like that happen to you and you try hard to convice yourself that it doesn't matter? That it doesn't matter if you really wanted something and you didn't get it?

I do that a lot. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. ...... I'm not sure if it did this time.

It makes me depressed when I think about it too much.

I got up after 11 the Sunday morning and there was another offline message from Tuff and an email. We're both cynics. The email basically said that he was on .... and I quote "foreeeeeeever last night." It felt good though. To have him want to talk with me as much as I want to with him.

I never got to chat with him on the weekend and I probably wont for a while.

I called Joey on Sunday night ... like after 5. Well paged him. He called me back.

"So you wanna hang out?"

I could'nt believe I was talking to him again. "Sure."

I met him in the parking lot of the Burger King 2 blocks from my house. It wasn't cold. He had shorts on. I stood there for what seemed like 2 hours before I got into his car.

"So where you wanna go?"

"I have no idea," I looked across at him.

He drives like a maniac. Which actually is a turn on for me. He's like one of those 'safe' maniac drivers. We drove around and went to Marine Park. We just sat there in his car .... talking. I was totally nervous before I left home. I mean ... hands shaking-type nervous. I dunno why. I got over it quickly after I got in his car. I was pretty quiet though. We kept having chunks of awkward silence. I would sometimes whisper "awkward silence".

He talked about his family and work and stuff. I liked it. I really did. I guess I kept thinking why he had this sudden need to be friends. That and I kept thinking Tuff must've been online since I wasn't even at home.

Joey's a huge hockey fan. I mean ... HUGE Rangers fan. I was totally in the dark about most of the things he talked about .... but I really liked it.

He admitted that he was really nervous but he got over it too. We left there a few minutes before 9 .... so we probably spent 2 hours there. He had to work early today and I mean ... he had to drive like a half hour back to Lynbrook.

I don't expect to hear from him again. I really don't. I dunno why. Maybe its cuz I'm used to having guy coming on to me and the night ending with me pushing them off of me and wanting to go home.

I felt him watching me while we talked. I would look over at him and his face would get totally serious and his eyes seemed to pierce right through me. Then he would just turn away.

I dunno.

I'm trying to ... I guess ... prepare to not hear from him. In the end it saves on the hurt. I'm sorta doing the same with Tuff. Trying not to think too much. Focus on work and getting my own apartment ....