I feel like someone has their hands around my neck. They're not violently choking me. Just squeezing every now and then. Squeeze. Release. Squeeze. Release. My breath quickens when I feel the choke hold. I hate that I can't deal with pressure. Yet, I seem to be faced with it a lot. I've very very breakable.

The hospital bill problem hasn't been solved. Norm said she mailed Mark's rent check. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it gets here tomorrow. Mark is not happy and I, overall have a slight headache and knots in my stomach. And my skin hurts. Like all over. I forget how sensitive my skin can be. I think it's from not moisturizing after my shower at Gary's the other day. I'm itchy and a little red.

I have a lot to get done this weekend. A lot of work I need to catch up on. And I really really want to write some short stories. Maybe. I probably won't but I'll tell myself I will anyway. I need a way out of my circumstances. I need to get everything sorted out and get my ass to an advertising school. Gary keeps saying my art might be the way out. He's probably right. It's just not as easy as he thinks. Lot of people tell me, "Get a portfolio together!" And I look at them -or at the floor if we're on the phone- and think 'They don't get it'. Most people don't. And when they seem like they almost have it ....no.

Jake has another book deal. Well, two or so apparently. He mentioned one before but turns out they decided to use photos instead of having me illustrate it. But he mentioned another deal last week. Cartoony stuff. So I'll be doing that. And I'm stoked. Not only will I be published again but I think this might be the time to find a way in to being 'Illustrator' and 'Author'. I want to write and illustrate children's books. I know my imagination's big enough and my writing doesn't totally suck.

I miss Ariel. I really do. And I feel guilty because I didn't make time to see her more when she was right here. Now she's back in Kentucky. I wanted to though but found I broke plans a lot because I didn't have any money. If we had plans to meet on a Monday but I only had like 15 bucks on me, I'd ask if we could meet up on Tuesday or so instead. If I used that money to go into the city to hang out I wouldn't have enough to go in for work. So I had to make plans when I was either already in the city for work or had enough cash. I really miss her though. We'll always have Ollie's. Ollie's and the Union Square Barnes & Noble.

I think I stupidly thought she'd be here forever. Like she was just going to stay after her internship at MTV. Just ...stay. I also miss her selfishly because I don't really have anyone to hang out with now. Husani's ....somewhere on this blue planet. I think. Mike goes home for the holidays next week. And he's pretty much the only one left. I didn't notice how much I grew dependent on Husani and followed up with Ariel. I don't see Gary often enough to get caught up in that dating selfishness of not 'needing' friends.

Today actually wasn't all that bad. I got next to nothing done though. I worked on a greeting card design at Eric's office and pretty much hung out talking to Kim, listening to Tori Amos' new album. I swear every time I talk to Kim she gets cooler and I just want to hop on a private jet with her and go off somewhere we'll both love and be happy. I always remember the very first time she talked to me. I left with Eric around seven-ish. He didn't have much on him so I only have forty bucks. Well, twenty-two now. I had to pick up some groceries when I got home.

Kat wants to see me on Sunday. I don't want to but I might end up meeting up with her. In a moment of part weakness/part ranting, I told her I was just stressed out and then why. Within a few minutes my mom messaged me online asking me how much the hospital bill is. I don't want them helping me. I really don't. I know they don't really have it and I know it comes at a price. Everything does. Nobody just does things to be nice. If Norm takes care of it, I'll no doubt have to endure lectures. Lectures on how hard I need to work. The bill will be brought up as an example of how much I owe her. Forget the fact that I practically work for free and am pretty much slicing and serving my self esteem to her, Eric, Jake and the others.

If my sister helps me with the bill I'll be expected to do a favor for her when she needs one. And she'll need one. Not that I mind doing things for my sister. I just don't need to be trapped to do those things and when I am I rebel. So I'll rebel and then I'll be slapped in the face with the "I helped you with that hospital bill, Angel Boi! I did that! You're so damn ungrateful." I can hear the words right now clear as the music I'm listening to. She'll say something like that and then my mom will get pissed at me for being a bad brother. "All you have is each other," she'll say. I'll tell them to fuck off in so many words and we won't speak for a while. That's pretty much what got me to move to New York in the first place.