I'm tired. I got in after 4 this morning and woke up around 9. I swear ... I hate living here. Richie said he's gonna drop by so I had to get up. Its almost as if ... soon after that entry last night ... I went out. This cool guy, Luis .... I met him chat a few days ago messaged me on AIM and asked me if I wanted to go to a club with him. He also asked this other guy we both chat with. Luis figured it would be a cool way for the 3 of us to meet. I asked John (the other guy) if he was going. I know him longer and I figured ... if he wasn't going ... I wasn't going. Plus I was waiting for Ricky to get online. Ricky's buddy Shawn and I were chatting and I kept telling him that its not like Ricky to not be online around that time.

It was a little after 11 and I told Shawn that if he didn't show up soon I'd go shower and go to bed. I wasn't really tired but there wasn't anything else to really do.

Anyway .... John told me he wasn't going but I should go anyway. I thought for a while. About how my keystrokes echoed in the empty apartment. I thought of the fact that Luis is my age. I thought about the fact that I never seem to even leave the apartment.

I told him yes.

He said he'd pick me up around 11:30. Soon after he messaged me again saying that a friend of his would be going too. I felt pretty nervous and excited. I mean ... I'd actually be going out. I never go out. I spend whole amounts of time online. Or I leave the tv on even if I'm not watching ... just so I can hear voices to drown out Ranger.

It's almost as soon as I told Luis I'd get ready ... Ricky came online. I felt bad and I honestly wanted to tell Luis that something came up and that I couldnt go. But then ... I remembered that entry in Chris' diary about regret. Thinking of my own life and how much I want to do and how much I don't do.

I was pretty excited about the whole thing and I told Ricky about it almost instantly. I was happy just thinking that I was gonna be going out. Ricky ... wasn't. He barely said anything. I asked him what was bothering him and he said nothing. I took a quick shower and rushed back to my laptop to talk to him some more. Halfway dressing while I typed.

After a while he said that we barely spoke for the week (which is true) and now I'm going out with some guy. I forget sometimes that people always assume I'm gonna fuck every guy I go anywhere with. Its been like that since high school. I didn't know what to even say to him.

Luis called and said he was on his way. Now I was just feeling weird and I felt like telling him I can't go when he got here and just go to bed. In no time flat .... the front desk called and said I had a visitor. I left the chat Ricky and I had with a "I have to go. My ride's here". Of course I felt incredibly guilty after and thought about it almost all night.

This was the first time I'd met Luis. He's a cute hispanic guy around my height. He goes to the gym and it shows. We headed downstairs after he slicked some of my hair gel in his hair. His friend, Daniel was in the car. I was full already. From the slight electrical charge from Luis' aura. I was full. I didn't even need to go anywhere now. I didn't feel alone anymore. That's all I wanted anyway ... the contact.

It wasn't really cold so I only had my fleece. My fleece over a white tee Husani refers to as a 'slut shirt', dark blue jeans and black boots. Reason for the tee being a 'slut shirt'? Because its small. That would actually make pretty much all my t-shirts 'slut shirts'.

"We have to go back to the campus," said Luis, after introduced Daniel and me. "We have to pick up this other friend of mine."

"'K ... no problem."

We drove and talked. I felt incredibly at ease around the both of them. At times like that I realize how much I've changed. I'm not as shy anymore. We got to the school and Daniel jumped out to get their friend. That's when I realized that I didn't have any ID on me.

"Are you serious?" ask Luis in that loud whisper you can only do in a car.

"Yeah. I can't believe I forgot. Hey ... maybe I can get in without. I look 21 enough hehe."

I don't.

The fourth jumped in the car with Daniel behind him. Mario. Another cute hispanic guy. 22 and is almost all I hate about college guys just by looking at him. I don't judge people though no matter how icy I may come off. We were introduced and talked on and off in the back seat while we drove back to my apartment. It was such a good feeling to be around them its embarrassing. Embarrassing because its so foreign to me now, being around people my age. That and actually going out.

We got back, grabbed my ID and headed to Queens. Some club called Krash. They were all raving about how great is. Luis and Daniel were singing in the front seats while Mario and I were talking about movies and stuff. Talking about which actors do it for us. Typical 'gay chat' I guess. We had a good amount in common. That is ... until he said he's a big Christina Aguillera fan. That's where I just draw the line hehe. We joked about it and that thing where Mariah Carey (a true diva) said if Christina was singing or something at ... VH1's Divas Live (I think) ... she wasn't gonna perform. Mario's also crazy over Britney.

"I just wanna yell: I love you Britney! Let's fuck!"

*laughs* That's a direct quote from Mario I instantly stored into memory. Some times I feel I should carry around a tape recorder to get everything that happens around me.

We get to the club and ..... wow. I'd actually never been to a club before but I fit in perfectly. The only thing I regret is not having contacts. I had to wear my glasses which sucked. I'd never danced like that though. I didn't even care much about the strippers ... just the dancing. Moving my body. Feeling my t-shirt get shorter when my arms reached up over my head. Feeling my belly button exposed. Feeling my skin exposed. Running my fingers over my head to the back ot my neck. Moving my feet. My waist. My feet. My waist.

I was full.

I even ran into my friend Bernard there. He introduced me to the guy he was with and I with the 3 that I was with. When I wasn't dancing, I was staring at the ravers. There were these raver girls throwing their glow sticks around in what seemed to be some sort of ritualistic dance. And when I wasn't looking at that ... I was avoiding looking at couples making out. I felt this incredible wanting to be kissed while I was there and it made me think more about Ricky and what happened earlier.

Mario and I fell asleep on the way back. I fell asleep ... full. We got to my building, said our good byes and Daniel jumped out of the front seat and hugged me before I came up. I walked through the lobby in daze. Dragging my fleece lazily behind me to the elevator. I changed into my jammies and jumped into bed.

I quickly fell asleep. Continuing part 2 of the sleep I'd started in the car.