I think it's depression. I don't know. Lately, all I feel is frustration and my eyes well up for little things. And I feel tired ... all the time. Right now, all I want to do is go to sleep. I was trying hard not to show in public but I can't hide it. Smiling is hard and whenever I do, it just fades quickly. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. But I can't. Frustration keeps me awake. There's so much I want to get done and can't. I pace my apartment and listen to music. That's almost all I do now. I was online more last weekend. I managed to upgrade to AOL 7.0 and I don't seem to get kicked off as often. But I know I'll have to pay for being online as much as I was on the weekend.

My alarm went off at 6:50 this morning. I was actually awake 10 minutes before and closed my eyes after looking at the time. I was pretty much on time meeting Norm and we drove up to White Plains. She mentioned that Richie told her I was worried about the immigration thing. Why the hell do I tell him anything? No more. Of course, she assured me that things will work out. I've heard that so many times before. Anxiety still remains.

We drove back into the City after 2 and I went over to Eric's office. I broke the contract I made with myself never to mention my laptopless state again but on the drive back to the City, Norm suggested that the company just buy me the iBook and deduct it from the upcoming illustration gig. I have no problems with that. But along with everything else, the idea will be forgotten within the first 10 minutes. Eric agreed that it's a good idea when I told him. I never mentioned it again after that and I'm not going to.

I'm just so tired of being told that certain things will happen and they don't. I can't deal with this much disappointment. So I sit quietly now and never repeat myself. Last night I had no money and had to walk over to Pathmark to use the Coinstar machine to convert the apple sauce jar of change I keep on my window to dollar bills. I actually got thirty four dollars and change from it all. I used five to see 'In The Bedroom' when I got back from Pathmark, put the twenty dollar bill in the empty jar in case that happened again and used the rest to get into the City this morning.