Something bad happened last night ... and now I don't know what to do or what's gonna happen. My headache is still pretty much here. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Bryan's supposed to have someone pick me up a little later to go to Brooklyn. I'm not going. Besides the headache ... I just can't deal with that right now. There's nobody online who I could even just talk about it. I feel like crying again but refuse to. Ricky's not online and I dunno if he'll be on anytime soon. And if he does get on ... I dunno if he'll want to talk.

Y'know ... I was just kidding myself I guess. I realized it has to be me. I'm the one with issues. i told Husani that last night too. How else do you explain being 21 and never really being in a serious relationship. Never been with someone who really loves you. It has to be you right. That would explain why most guys would rather stare than actually talk to me. They see the "I'm fucked up!" neon tattoo on my forehead.

All my Saturday nights will be just like last night. Spent alone ... watching tv and being online. Everyone I know has been in at least one serious relationship by my age. At least one. What the fuck am I doing then? What? I've said before that I'm not totally sure I believe in destiny. But I truly believe now that I'll always be alone. And in typing that ... I feel it. That cold feeling under your eye lids. Tears that'll never fall though. I'm not gonna cry again.

I've never felt the way I did last night before. It hit me and I fell. I fell hard. It made me realize how much more I love Ricky than anyone else. If I didn't I wouldnt've felt the way I did. My mouth went totally dry. My hands were shaking and I could barely type. My chest started heaving rapidly. I tried to fight it. I tried really hard. I couldn't and before I knew it .... my cheeks were wet. The keyboard and everything in front of me became watery. And looking through the distortion of my tears ... I realized that my hands weren't shaking anymore. I wasn't fighting anymore. My stomach was upset and my headache throbbed harder ... but I wasn't fighting anymore.

My face creased and I cried harder. It was 2 in the morning and the only sound that I could hear was ... me. My music was blocked out along with everything else. Just me. Me ... echoing through the whole apartment. My mouth opened as my eyes squinted and I threw my head on the desk. Ranger and every other bad feeling swarmed over me.