'Six Feet Under' was really sad tonight and in a way, I felt it showed what will happen to me. The show opened like it usually does, with someone dying. And tonight, it was this woman. It showed her getting in, warming up a TV dinner and doing her crossword puzzle. And then she took a couple bites and started choking. She reached for the glass of water in front of her but her hand knocked it over. She pounded her chest and got up to get help or some more water. She died of course but wasn't found until about a week after.

I wanted to cry when I saw that she started choking. Because all I could think about was that she'll die alone. And I think dying alone is awful. Not saying that you should have a whole group around you holding hands and singing Kumbaya. But you want someone there. Like when you're sick. When you're sick, you want someone there. At least I do.

Last week when I read in the paper about the verdict for that couple in California with the dogs that killed that woman, they pointed out that she was alone with the dogs attacking her. She tried to crawl away for help and couldn't. She died alone outside her apartment. And it's just really sad. Really sad that someone wasn't there to at least hold her.

I think about things like that a lot. And I always feel I'll die alone. Maybe like that woman in tonight's 'Six Feet Under'. Where I won't be found until a week after. A week! A week is a fuckin' long time. What was even worse was, she had made her own funeral arrangements years before but no one turned up. She didn't have any friends. No co-workers because she worked as a temp.

I don't want to die like that.

I'm not really afraid to die. Just ...not like that. I don't want the last thing I see to be my kitchen floor. And if so, I want to know that I at least lived. And I don't live. Not right now. I just ...exist. My days are almost all the same. I can tell almost exactly what I'll do tomorrow.

I'll open my eyes and squint to see the time on my watch on the window sill. I'll rub my eyes. I'll take my glasses off the laptop and put them on. I'll turn on the laptop and while it boots up, I might get up and go pee and wash my face. I'll come back to my room and get back in bed. I'll check my email maybe talk to a couple people on my buddy lists. I'll get up a while after, turn on the radio and grab my keys. I'll pull some pants on, then my sneakers and go downstairs to get my paper. That is, if someone didn't steal it. I'll come back upstairs, fix some cereal and come back to my room. I'll sit on my bed with my legs folded, eating cereal while I flick through the paper. I'll read the first few pages. Read the 'voice of the people' section, jump to Rush & Molloy and then the comics.

Since I have only $7.75 and some more change in a jar, I'll probably shower and head into the City later. If I'm meeting Norm, I'll rush to be early but traffic or a stalled train will be a part of conspiracy to always keep me in the habit of being late. She'll be upset with me no matter what. And as always, explaining is futile. She'll give me $60 or $80. I'll feel like telling her that I really can't live like this much longer. That it's killing me every time I have to ask for money. I'll suppress it. She'll write out my rent check. The I'll tell her about the big-ass phone bill because I had to use dial-up after my laptop blew up. She'll tell me that I need to watch how I'm spending my money and that I need to cut back.

I'll probably end up leaving her and going over to Eric's office. Only because I either don't have anything else to do and I don't yet feel likg coming back home or I need to get lunch and they always pay for it. I'll hang out for a while. I'll leave there and head downtown to Husani's office. They'll buzz me up. If Husani's not there, I'll feel like a fool, turn around and leave. If he's there, we'll talk for a bit. We'll go out on the fire escape and talk some more. Come back in and I'll leave soon after.

It'll be around 6pm. I'll have no real reason to come home. But since I don't know anyone else and I'm scared to go buy a cup of coffee since I'll only see it as a waste of money, I'll head to midtown. To Port Authority. On the way, I might sit across from a guy who'll stare at me for a good long while. I might think he's cute. Then I'll think that he's probably staring at an ad behind me. Or he just thinks I'm a freak. People stare at freaks. The thoughts will make me sad and I'll shift my eyes to the floor. If I'm standing, I'll stare up at the ad in front of me and figure out how they did certain things. And whether or not I could've done the same thing or even come up with the concept if I had to.

I'll get to Port Authority, cross the street to the mini buses. I'll get on and then have some obnoxious person with a cell phone sitting next to me. I'll get home to an empty apartment. While walking up the stairs of my building, I'll think of things that happened during the day. I'll get in, throw my bag down and head to the fridge to get something to drink. I'll walk to my room, unpack the laptop, turn it on and get online. It'll be close to 8pm. I'll talk to people on my buddy lists for a while then put an away message up and go fix something to eat. I might watch TV for two or so hours before I come back to my room. I'll take another shower and get in bed. I'll listen to music and chat online until I'm tired. I'll fall asleep thinking what I really did with my life the whole day. The universe will shout back 'nothing', of course. I'll fall asleep then wake up and do close to what I did the day before ....again.