I don't know what's going on with me. I keep doing stupid things. I keep fucking up. It's as if I'm programmed.

We never grow up. We don't. I thought about that a lot today. The same things we did as a child, we do when we're old. Always little boys and girls. You move from toy cars to real ones. You move from dolls to kids or pets or stay with dolls and just collect more since you have your own money now. Wind-up toys later become a vibrating dildo. Handheld video games become palm pilots. Still toys. You build treeforts and then go get an apartment in a highrise. Nothing great ever changes. Every time I sit and study people, I realize it more and more. And we all play the same silly games. I'm learning that there are few people I can actually trust.

I feel shitty. I feel I'm going absolutely nowhere. And it's partly true. I've started hating weekends. Seriously. Weekends now make me depressed. I never have any money and I just stay at home from Friday night usually until Monday. Only leaving the apartment to go downstairs to get my newspaper or maybe go to the store. I hate that I have no life and I hate that there are no real means of me actually getting one. I hate it. And I hate always complaining. And yet I hate not having anyone to really complain to. And even if I did, I still wouldn't open up enough. And I hate that I'm always alone. I hate that I'm rarely ever smiling with more than two people around me. I hate that the only guys who seem to want to talk to me are the ones that only want to fuck me. I hate that I'm so fuckin' easy sometimes and then not easy enough other times. I hate that I still don't have a new laptop. I hate people always breaking promises to me. I hate that life has to always be so fuckin' complicated all the time.

And I'm tired. I'm so tired of it always being like this. I'm so tired of listening to Mazzy Star before going to bed. I'm tired of feeling sad. I've felt sad pretty much 3/4 of my life so far. It's never half and half. I'm tired of always expected to be responsible. And I'm tired of coming off as a shallow, self absorbed brat when I say these things. I really am.

Thing that pissed me off today is, I called Norm around 1 this afternoon. I told her I'd head in. I did. After being stuck on a bus listening to obnoxious music in traffic for close to an hour. See, they apparently stopped traffic from going on 42nd Street at a certain time or something. So everything's fucked up. Norm's sense of time is always off when I'm late. Which is always. I'm always late. That's true. Then again, I don't drive or even live right in the City. When I called her from Eric's office, I was told that I called her at 12. It's little things like that that piss me off. Tell me I'm late, yes. But exagerate? No. And I know she probably doesn't do it on purpose. It just makes me feel even shittier. And trust me, there's never any need to do that. I do just fine on my own.

I say this almost every night, but tonight I'm going to bed earlier than usual. I can't stand to be around people right now. Not even online. It's all the same. And if I'm not online, I'm staring up at the ceiling and listening to music. I won't last long like that. I'll fade fast.