I don't understand humans sometimes. You're dealing with stuff and it's as if they just wanna add to it. It's as if I have to feel bad for feeling bad. Right now I don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I'm never allowed to feel shitty as long as I want to. Always being told to 'deal with it' ... 'get over it'. I mean ... what if ... what if I don't want to get over it just yet? What if I want to let everything saturate? What if I want the sadness to take its course?

You are allowed to be sad .... even for a little while. I agree that being depressed and not getting out of bed doesn't really help. But y'know what? I've been there ... and honestly ... you just don't physically have the energy to get up. I'm tired of saying my feelings don't count either. If they didn't ... I would never hurt would I. I feel shitty .... and I want to feel that way until I have a big reason to feel something else.

I spend less and less time online now. I think I'm accepting the fact that I'm supposed to be alone. I've been cheating the whole time by spending the usual huge amount of my hours online. Sometimes just .... on. Not really doing anything. Not really chatting with anybody. Just using the phoneline as an electronic umbilical cord. That and keeping the tv on even if I'm not really watching. Just to hear voices in the apartment.

So yah ... I've been cheating. Not anymore though. Soon after getting back to White Plains .... Norm tells me that Richie needs the apartment for the weekend. Homeless again. I shouldnt've even come back then.

When I walked from the train station and the sliding doors to the building opened ... The red carpet in the lobby ..... I realized that I was right back to where I was. I never even left White Plains. It was a dream or something. Being in the city ... hanging out with Amber .... like dream residue. Except ... this time ... it's not exactly residue. Its vivid. And it did happen.

.... It did.