I was so close to a full week. So close. I swear ... the devil likes messing with my head. Being all positive. It was working.

It might sound stupid, but even moving here to the U.S. was in some way for me to help my dogs get a better life. To make up for not always being there. I must've been 14 or 15 when I got two German shepherd puppies (male and female) for my birthday. I'll call them Tee (male) and Emm (female) on here. They didn't have common doggie names and Google can be evil sometimes. I wanted a dog so bad then. My mom got two so they'd always have each other. Then soon after I got another puppy. I was doggie-sitting for someone and then the guy said he couldn't take care of him and gave him to me. Ruff. So I had three. Most people in the Caribbean don't care about animals nearly as much as they should. If they don't like your dogs for some reason, they have no problem getting them poisoned. I don't think they get fined or anything. It's cruel.

I guess I was 16 when I came home one afternoon from school and saw the vet on our porch as I was walking up the street. Wasn't a big deal since she was a friend and drove past our house to go home. I just remember seeing Emm's paw. And then the rest of her in the grass. My backpack just fell. I cried for about a week. I never got to say good bye to her. Every time I saw her collar ... I'd just tear up again. Every time I looked at her brother ... I'd just tear up again.

And now ... the thought of losing the other one ... it seems unfair. Totally unfair. More so because again ... I won't get the chance to say good bye. I cried so much last summer before going to the airport to come to New York. I cried because I knew it would be a long while before I saw him and Ruff again. But I didn't expect it to be the last time. I know my mom's gonna feel really bad. I don't want him to suffer ... but I don't want him to fade either. At least not without me being there for him. He's not just a dog and I don't want him dying like one. I can't even stop crying. And I can't just go back to see him. If I could ... I would. And why now? My birthday's Friday next week. Couldn't they do it after?

And on top of that, my granfather's getting sick. But at the same time ... when Kat says something like that ... I can't put much into it. She panics easily. Everything's a cause for alarm.

You know when you cry so hard sometimes you get a headache? You get a headache and your face feels as if it's about to fall off. My face is falling off and I have a headache. And I still haven't finished that thing for Keri. I can't go to sleep before I've done that. That's if I can. My laptop's also falling apart. Yah ... when it rains ... it pours. My screen keeps getting this weird tint and sometimes things are distorted. Not to mention crashing every now and then. Of course ... it's still under warranty. But ... I can't do anything about it since I dropped it and they don't cover accidental damage and I obviously can't afford to pay to have it fixed. It's almos the cost of a new laptop. And it's not as if I can just let my laptop be a jerk and use my desktop. I have no desktop. This is it. All my work's on here. All! I can't even backup since most of the files are too large to fit on a Zip disk and I don't have a CD burner.