Normism: 'People who are depressed try to self-medicate. That's why they eat sweets.' Eating large quantities of chocolate is supposed to make you euphoric. That's why they tie feeling inlove with eating chocolate. I've never had that much chocolate. If I eat a lot of chocolate .. my throat starts feeling sore and I stop. Eating is something I seem to had a tight control over. I dunno about other people but after eating a meal ... even if I have room for more ... I wouldn't necessarily have seconds. I have to be hungry. I know some people who are pretty much full and would still go for seconds. I also don't have to have desert after a meal. So yes ... eating is something I seem to have full control over. Everything else? ... Everything else pretty much goes to hell.

I wouldn't really say I'm a compulsive shopper because if I have money but I know I have bills or something ... I'd resist the urge and I'd stay away from malls and stuff. But I do love to shop. It's my chocolate. It makes me euphoric swinging a shopping back while I walk down the street. I feel like .... I'm in control. Does that sound crazy? Probably ... but it's true. That's how I feel while and after shopping. Just a t-shirt. Sandals. A new hat even. As long as I gave the cashier money and they push it into a bag. It wouldn't feel the same if I shoplifted. I've only done that once .... chewing gum .... and it was out of revenge because the guy who owned the store was an asshole to me.

Sometimes ... I think I'm manic-depressive. Sometimes I just think I'm self-destructive. The things I do. The things I do and regret. The things I do and regret and then do again a week later after the guilt dissolves. Sometimes I feel like I have no control when I do some of the things I do. But I do ... I do have control. Full control and I can stop ...... I guess. I just wish I could say I'll break the patterns and actually do it. Actually break 'em. Say something and mean it. Quit being so flaky. I know what I want. I know everything I want out of life ... yet .... Yet I keep myself from getting the things I want.

It's almost like an out of body experience. I see myself doing these things and I know that it's not really what I want .... but I do it anyway. Why am I fucked up like that? I mean ... really ... what kind of fuckin moron does stuff like that?

Ok ... I know that Mark has a shitty calling plan and local calls are still charged by the minute .... yet I'd use the internet (which is a local call) and still end up staying on for a couple hours. I'd be online and know that I should get off and ... I wouldn't. Only a moron does stuff like that. If I'm never ever happy in life I only have myself to blame.

Today I went for a walk. I've said before that I live in West New York in New Jersey. I live right across the river from the city. I'm not that far from the ferry either. There are these steps that take you down to the dock. The same stairs I talked about when I came to see the apartment. Has to be over 1,000 feet to the bottom of the steps. Today I walked over there and I honestly thought about jumping from the top. I wasn't like in tears and screaming that I have nothing to live for. I have tried killing myself before. I don't think I ever wrote that. A couple different times. First was around 7 I guess. I tied a rope around my neck and jumped off this bucket I turned upside down. I'm not even sure what happened but I know I had rope burns on my neck for a while. The second time was probably around 10. I ate some flowers that I knew were poisonous. Nothing happened so I guess they weren't as poisonous as people said. I'd had times in highschool when I held knives to my wrists but I feel weak at the site of blood and could never seem to slash myself. Not scared that I'd die ... since that's what I wanted ... but scared at the thought of having to look at the blood.

Today was the first time in a while that my stomach actually felt nervous at the thought of jumping off those steps. Nervous because the thought was serious. I've thought about just stepping off the subway platform just as a train comes in .... but someone always seems to step in front of me or something.

Sometimes I just wish I died when I was younger when I had my heart problem. I've probably come close to dying before. I remember once I was choking on a butterscotch sweet at like age 9 and I swear I was about to die. I was turning blue and that damn candy wouldn't go down. But I wasn't sad. I was actually laughing while sucking on the sweet and that's why it got jammed in my throat. My sister was the only person around. She was frantic and I heard her voice getting softer ... like I was fading away or something. I remember when I finally swallowed it ... I cried. I cried a lot. Cried because my throat hurt and because I didn't want to die. Tears just streamed down my face and my sister and I hugged.

What makes people like this? What makes me like this? What makes me have these mood swings and dark thoughts? I think I've killed my conscience. Jiminy Cricket is dead. But would you know? I dunno. I mean ... I still feel guilt ... so maybe it's not totally dead. Is it really guilt though?

Is it normal to envision the plane crashing and burning while you're flying? Or the boat sinking while you're on the ferry? I mean ... I think about stuff like that and the strange thing is ... it doesn't scare me. Every single time I fly ... I think about the plane crashing. I look around the cabin and glance at the faces and picture what they would look like if we were crashing. I'm fucked up. I really am.