I spent the weekend at Ross's. Bad idea, I know. He had been telling me about these makeover ideas for his apartment. I dropped by Friday after work. Dinner with him and a couple of his friends was followed by an offer by me to help him do some painting. I don't know. I felt strangely alone, lonely and abandoned in a way, by everyone. Or maybe it was the other way around, I felt like abandoning everyone else. I felt like a lost, lonely rebel and decided to, instead of going home and coming back the next afternoon to help, just spend the night.

Innocent enough but I grew predictable and we kissed and then again and then I told him we shouldn't because I don't want to make him crazy. Because I do make him crazy. I have no idea why but I do. I've seen it and he's said so and I believe him. I lounged around the next morning in one of his tshirts. He went out and got us breakfast, big grin. We listened to music and talked and debated over things as we painted. Ross smiled a lot as we painted. I thought a lot about Gary and my seemingly light, feathery, directionless life as we painted.

My original plan was to go home Saturday afternoon and maybe come back on Sunday to help some more. I ended up just staying and painting until like 3am. I ignored all calls from my sister and eventually just turned my cell phone off. Lost, lonely rebel who didn't want to be reached. I left smiling Ross on Sunday morning. I was very anxious to get home and be reached now. Found, searching conservative person with cell phone turned back on.