Guys are assholes. With very few exceptions. Very very few exceptions. Earlier this week .... I was incredibly horny. Doesn't happen very often that I'm that bad. On top of that ... I barely left the apartment. You can clearly see that if you read earlier entries. This might sound crazy but I've been trying my best not to fuck up this relationship with Ricky. And it seems that when I fool around with a guy too much we eventually break up. I've said this to Ricky before .... its like "Ok .. we've fucked. Now what?" Plus I've done that before.

Around last weekend ... Jason messaged me while I was in the same chat room I met him. I hadn't seen or heard from him since that day. He told me he wanted to see me again. That we should get together on the Monday or sometime during the week. I'm not the same person I was back then. He forgot my number (typical) and asked for it again. I told him no. He gave me his email and told me to at least email him.

I dunno about anybody else ... but unfortunately ... no matter how much I try to deny it ... I'm human. It was as if since he did that I kept remembering what it's like to actually have some one touch you. To make you feel desired. And yeah ... I was just plain horny. And of course you think "Yeah but I love the guy who's a million miles away and I couldn't cheat on him."

I made the mistake of telling Jeremy, this friend of Danny's what was going on. I trusted him. I did. Big mistake.

"Can I trust you Jeremy?"

"Sure."

They always say that. Its always "Sure!"

In a way I wanted him to tell me that it was ok to invite Jason over. That ... "sure" it would be ok if I fooled around with him since I didn't love him. Tell me "Sure!" to kill the guilt I was already feeling for just thinking about it.

I was foolish to think that I could've trusted him.

He told Danny.

And Danny ... well .. Danny found it fine to tell Ricky. I have no idea how you even fit something like that in the conversation.

"Oh ... and by the way ... Jeremy told me that Angel Boi was gonna have some guy come over and fuck his brains out. Cheers."

When Ricky told me .... at first I wanted to wring Jeremy's neck. Not because "Uh uh ... I was caught". Because I trusted him. I really did. It was unnecessary information. Its like hurting someone when you don't even have to.

1. Even though I told Jeremy it was no business of his to even tell Danny.

2. Danny had no business telling Ricky. Especially since I didn't tell him anything directly.

3. He could've come to me and said "Angel Boi what you're doing to Ricky is just plain wrong. You're a slut and you're gonna go to hell". I've known him longer that Jeremy.

I mean ... this is a guy who said he loved me once. I mean ... how does that work? You only love the person when you're with them. When you break up all bets are off?

Right now I'm hardly even talking to Ricky and I'm totally deep into my 'guys are assholes and I don't need 'em' mood. Thing is that pissed me off about Ricky is that I he kept insisting that he needed to apologize to Danny for breaking us up months back. That's bull shit. I'm sorry. Its not as if he was a big reason for us breaking up. He had nothing to do with it. I hate it when people just don't listen to something that simple. "Ricky you have nothing to apologize for." I mean .. is that so hard?

But no. He had to keep pressing and after I was upset and said things I didn't exactly mean last night .... he messaged Danny. That's when Danny was oh so happy to fill him in. Sweet of him huh. Yeah ... I think so too.

I think the best part was when I messaged Danny. I didn't yell at him or anything.

"UR IN THE WRONG Angel Boi. not me. i don't want to talk to u anymore." words from a guy who supposedly cared about me.

Jeremy wasn't online so I left him an offline message. I got offline and watched tv. When I got back I had an offline message from him. Something like:

"well you should've known that daniel and i are close and i would've told him. if you don't talk to me again that's ok."

I don't hate either of them. I really don't. I just feel like I had the wind knocked out of me. It just bothers me because I trusted both of them.