Remembering is one thing. And I'm all for paying respects to those who died but I'm not sure if many of us are dealing with what happened last year on September 11. Nation-wide therapy is needed. Is it really just reflecting now? I'm on a train to White Plains right now. I've been ignoring it for so long now, I didn't even realized they moved the little memorial wall they had near Ben & Jerry's. That is, until I turned the corner going into the main terminal. There it was. Brighter than ever. And it's not that I have no compassion for all the lives lost that day. I do.

I just feel one minute they're saying we should go shopping and go have lunch with friends ..."see New York!" "Don't let the terrorists win!" ...and the next they make you feel guilty if you're not still in mourning. How can we really move one when we're constantly made to feel depressed. I'm tired of the mixed messages. The news is depressing as it is but there's no way to escape everything else. No ...way!

I'm on the subway. I look up and there are the LIFENET ads asking me if I'm having trouble sleeping, if I feel depressed... Fuck yeah I feel depressed! As if living in the New York City area isn't enough, I had to surf the 'net yesterday and look at a black and white Yahoo! homepage. I had to see drawings and poems by kids on Amazon.com. And every now and then, I had someone message me with "Tonight light a candle at 9:30 to honor those who died." I just don't feel we're really trying to move on.

The whole thing was tragic and although I wasn't downtown to watch it unfold, I was across the river and saw more than enough to have the images branded permanently on my brain. Add that to the news coverage. Then add being at Grand Central some time after when there was a bomb scare. Add talking to people who lost someone that day. Add all the other shit in my life that isn't even related to September 11.

I just wish we could say we can rebuild and mean it. Say we can pick up and move on and actually start the process. I'm tired of averting my eyes every time I'm at Grand Central ...or Union Square ...or anywhere there are photos and flags. Doing so because looking to long will make my eyes water. I'm tired of wanting to move on and feeling guilty for that. Tired of people telling me I seem desensitized. "People died!" Yes, but could I have done anything to prevent that? Do I have a red 'S' on my chest? Can I turn back time? No, I can't. Telling me 'people died' just make me feel weak and human. And that's all I am, human. Maybe I'm the only one who isn't dealing. Maybe I'm the only one who feels most people now come off like the children of a widower when he announces he's lonely and wants to start dating or maybe get get married again.