It's been proven. 9 out of 10 times when I feel shitty there's never anyone around to talk to. Phones are never answered. I went for a walk and whispered everything to myself. I'm schitzo like that. I feel a little better ... I think. I dunno. It's getting dark and I don't feel like putting any lights on. I think I'm just gonna take some Nyquil and go to bed. Seriously. I was gonna watch the HBO Saturday night movie but it's 'Band of Brothers' and I don't feel like watching any sort of war movie right now. Seriously. I haven't put the TV on at all though. Because I already know that I'll just get hooked on the news again. I can't deal with that right now either.

So yah ... I fucked up again. What else is new! I'm thinking of going back to the Caribbean. Seriously. Even though I hate it there and I know I wont be happy ... or even have a chance to be happy there. I feel I deserve it. I've failed here. And ... it's just not getting any better.

Thursday, the 13th was actually my anniversary. One full year after my official move to the U.S. Yup. A full year. I got here on the 13th but ... wow ... I just realized I didn't update until the 15th. Just like now I guess.

So yah ... a full year of trying to live out the American dream I guess? Hmmm ... let's see ... what do I have to show for it? Do I have a bank account at least? Noooo. Do I currently have more than five dollars in my wallet? Course not! Am I fucking up? Abso-fuckin-lutely! It's what I do best. That and be a sucker. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I am the biggest push-over available on store shelves.

"... Welcome to the 'Wingd/Advantage' program. Sign up now for great deals. Take advantage of the angel boi and boost your self-esteem while crushing his into a pulp *fake TV-like chuckle*... Oh and ... call the number on your screen right now and get the angel boi to work for you ... for practically nothing. Yessiree Bob! Everybody knows that the angel boi has absolutely no backbone and wont make a fuss if he doesn't get paid for projects he's worked on.

I mean ... everybody knows that graphic designing isn't a real job! It's a hobby! All designers do is just move the mouse around and click it a couple times to look like they're actually working. Sometimes they pause and stare at the screen all pensive-like ... but that's just for effect .... So why wait? Sign up for your free 'Wingd/Advantage' points today!"

So yah ... a full year. And nothing to show for it. And honestly ... I don't see it getting any better ... any time soon. I'll always be dependent and I hate that! Haaaaaaate it! I'm highly dependent on Norm. Before ... my mom and sister. It'll always be that way. And I'll always be seen as selfish. Selfish and ungrateful. I swear ... I've heard that all my life. A million people can't be wrong huh. I don't see it but what the fuck do I know? I find that I give ... a lot! Or maybe it just seems that way down my snotty, selfish, ungrateful nose. I also sometimes feel I'm more mature than a lot of people I know my age. Ha! Bzzzzt! Wrong-o! I am the most irresponsible, lazy fuck up!

I still don't even have my worker's permit. INS should just arrest me right now. At least I'll wouldn't have to pay for my plane ticket when I get deported. The lawyer who was working on it claims that I have to wait for an extension. I've been 'waiting' since like May! Fuckin May! I don't think he knows what the fuck he's doing! So ... while 'technically' I'm not an illegal immigrant ... I just have to feel like one and in some ways I feel almost like I'm treated like one. I'm just supposed to do what I'm told.

So yah ... while it's nice living here and I have my own place now ... I also see that I'll always have my wings clipped. Always! And the minute I fuck up ... I have to be reminded of what a selfish, ungrateful fuck up I am. I don't feel I needed to leave home to deal with that. My sister reminded me enough every couple days. Every fucking couple days. So ... nevermind that I thought about suicide a lot back there ... I'll just try and wrap things up here in the U.S and go back to the rock.