I've fallen. I've fallen in that funk and I'm trying oh so fucking hard to climb out. So far no luck. And this is why I try not to be too happy. It sends the wrong message out into the universe and I get smacked down. The whole blissful day and a half or whatever with Gary in Connecticut was too good. And not that long this morning after we kissed in the doorway while he waited for the elevator, the door closed and things started falling.

I got a call from the lawyer about my hospital bill. $1,931.45. Fuck me right now and call me Ruby-Anne! I have twenty-two bucks on me and a small jar filled 3/4 of the way with change. No quarters. They want two checks. The first for $1,000.00 due this Friday. The other for the balance. Due next week but can be post-dated up to 30 days. Needless to say I don't exactly have the money to pay. It probably/almost totally will be taken care of by Norm. But I know a lecture ensues. Could be worse, right? I know what lectures do to me though and I'll be damaged and revert.

Since that phone call my mood's pretty much spiraled. I never left my apartment. Even when I felt I needed to get some apple juice and water. I stayed in and tried to focus on work but couldn't really. I thought of nothing but the bill. And then of my unpaid rent. And then of my wallet with a twenty and two singles.

I feel nothing has changed. At this very moment that's how I feel. A few weeks ago when I was out shopping for bamboo and new sheets ....never happened. A few weeks ago when Ariel and I went to the salon.... never was. All that is now and seemingly always will be is me being broke. Breaking plans because I don't have enough to go out. Spiralling.

Dave called this afternoon and I ended up, almost uncontrollably, ranting to him. And it wasn't my way of asking for help. He offered and I told him I'll be ok. Telling people you'll be ok is sometimes the quickest way to get them to shut up. I have no idea why he even cares. Can't people see I'm toxic? I'm fucking toxic! I'm surprised Gary hasn't run off screaming yet. Maybe he was trying to with that email over the weekend.

I just feel stressed right now. My rent still isn't paid and I have to deal with Mark. Eric's office wrote him a check for this month's rent (they also did for November's rent) which I gave to Mark pretty much on the first of the month or very close to it. Then I explained to him that he'll have to pay taxes on it. He wasn't keen on this idea this time(but didn't seem to have a problem last month). So I had to give the check back and they'll make it out to Norm who'll then make out another check to Mark. Yay for everything being fucked up because I don't have a bank account!