I can't remember how it was before but I swear ... now every plane that flies overhead seems too close. And I find myself alert.

I don't know what to do tomorrow. I really don't. I don't know if I should go to Keri's office and drop off the couple sketches I did. I dunno if I should call her. I dunno if she wants me to call her. I dunno if she wants the sketches still. I don't know. I just ... don't know. I rehearsed in my head that I'd just go into the city with the sketches anyway and drop them off at her office. Since she'll think I wont show up if I call and say I'm heading in ... I thought about that. Just dropping them off. Or maybe calling her when I'm already in the city and just tell her that I'll drop them off. I dunno.

I don't know if I should try and call Adam again and see if he wants to meet up tomorrow. I have about $6 or so. My choices have to be correct because they're final.

I don't know if I should call Norm tomorrow. And if I do ... what do I say? If I call Keri and not Norm ... what would that say of me? If I call Eric and not Keri ... or Norm ... what would that say? If I call Amber and ask advice and cry on the phone instead of any of the above ... what would that say? If I replace Amber with Richie ... what would that say?

If I didn't get out of bed ... didn't shower or brush my teeth and didn't call anyone ... what would that say?

I have no idea. And I also have no idea what I'm doing when my eyes see daylight. I know some of the things that I have to do. I just don't know how ... or the sequence in which to do them. I'm lost. Probably been that way for a good long while now.

Y'know what's funny? In an email I got from Norm yesterday (basically ... the one that made me feel even shittier) ... she said she doesn't trust me. I make a lot of excuses. And ... maybe I do. But I swear ... some of the crap that seems to happen to me no one would believe. Little things. 'Only-Wingd' things. And so ... when I have to call Keri and tell her that I didn't make it because I was stuck on a bus for close to an hour ... it comes off as an excuse. Or ... that I didn't get to finish working on something because ... hmmm ... I dropped my laptop seems no more credible than the ever-popular "My dog ate my homework". I told the teacher that once and she didn't believe me. I was in 8th grade. I forgot an assignment at home, rushed home at lunch ... only to find it ripped to shreds by the two cute German Shepherd puppies I got for my birthday.

I wish the dog could eat tomorrow then.

My eyes in the header seem so serious and sad right now. I never really pay attention to the header. Weird ... because the picture I used ... I wasn't really sad then. I was incredibly lonely though and was bored one day with a friend's digital camera. They also seem so watery for some reason. Like they are now. But that's because of my glasses. Glasses strain my eyes much faster than contacts but I don't have any new contacts. I took the last pair I have yesterday and put them in my lens case to be disinfected.

Even though I'm not sleepy ... I'm forcing myself to sleep in a while. I took a long nap earlier after my last entry. Listening to Suzanne Vega's - 'Luka'. If there's one song that can break me ... it's that. I hear it and go back to when I was around fifteen. I used to listen to it on my walkman. Recorded on a tape by my friend Lise. Lying on my bed, listening to it and ... I'd just start crying. Seriously. That was when I was still capable of crying when I felt like it. Soon after I used to slap myself hard across the face if I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

Blah.

I wish I could be fifteen again. But before the slapping. Before Ranger had really set in. I wasn't any happier then but at least I had ... I dunno ... potential? What do I have now? ... Other than feeling lost and being scared of becoming more grown up.