I feel bad that I'll never hear from Joshua again. I do. I emailed him it bounced back. I'm not surprised since he said he wasn't sure about the address. So now I'm thinking he either lost my email and number or he threw it away because he never intended to

use 'em. I have his number and a part of me wants to at least call him and find out how he's doing. The other part thinks that might seem weird or desperate or something. I just really do feel bad that I may never hear from him ever again. I've met few people like him and they faded. I just don't want him to. But I mean ... call him and say what?

My friend, Dave, says I could jeopardize his career or something. Him being in the Navy and all. *shrugs* I dunno. It's not like I'd call up and breathe deep in the phone and say "I want that hot Navy body of your's". I honestly don't even think about him like that. The guy is straight and that's probably why I like him. I know he wont try to get me in bed. It would just be cool to email and stuff and keep in touch.

I make a big deal about everything I guess. A lot of things that mean a lot to me doesn't mean shit to other people. I remember little details that most people wouldn't care about. I guess it's a bad habit. I need to get a good 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Maybe I need to harden my heart some. I thought I could be pretty cold but I guess not enough.

But I mean ... what if I call and he's like "I'm glad you called cuz I lost your email and I felt bad". Then again .... he might laugh his ass off and say he didn't expect me to actually call, then ... call his buddies to tell 'em the whole story. Blah! I pray my memory's erased as I sleep. Maybe I can wake up an amnesiac and start over again.