Ross ... Ross. Ross, Ross, Ross! Oy! I sorta feel like shaking him and yelling what William H. Macy's character kept saying in Magnolia. Men men men! I don't want things to get weird between us. I told him that tonight. He's making want to wait. But for what exactly? For him to make up his mind? To be sure? See ... that's just it! I don't even frickin know!

I like him. A lot. I think about him. A lot. I talk about him to my friends. A lot. I ask advice. I sigh. I sulk. I think. And .... I wait? And waiting is something I'm not good at. But ... I like him. I really do. He's sorta crept inside me. But ... I mean, we already said it's a bad idea to date. That was more him, though. I'm just not about to club him and drag him back to my apartment. He weighs almost twice as much as I do.

This is just so ... me! These guys who are indecisive. Or maybe they do know what they want. Aaron must've known that he didn't want to be with me. He and the million other guys that I opened myself for.

Now I feel kinda crappy. Know what Rudy mentioned the other night? That I'm always sharing a guy. It's true. He's either married or has a girlfriend or boyfriend, or both. Or even if he's single, I just don't have all of him. I think that's what I'm tired of most. The sharing. It's not about wanting to jump into a relationship. It's not about wanting to committment myself to someone right away. It's more about having more than half of their attention. And feeling them give me a part of them while I do the same.

I got trapped in the Christmas village market thing at Union Square tonight. I didn't realized the whole damn thing was enclosed the way it is and I wanted to get through to go over to Utrecht. I think Christmas starts to get depressing after you find out there's no Santa Claus. And why not? You find that you've been lied to all the years. I don't really remember when my mom broke that one to me. But I remember the tooth fairy confession.

Today wasn't totally bad. Actually, it was pretty good. Went into the city around 2. Straight to Keri's office. I laid out the pictures for the new exercise cards. I'll finish editing this week. I only have a few left to work on. After that, I went over to Eric's. Mainly to waste a little time. Left there and headed down to Union Square. The subway was amusing tonight. I always crack up looking at people force themselves on the train and doors can barely close. Then the conductor has to tell them to get off. And ... they won't. They cling there with their backpack and half their body hanging out of the train and they expect the train to leave.

I hung out at Husani's for a while, left there and came home. Mark was here when I got home. My rent still isn't paid. Today is the 12th. My rent is supposed to be paid on the 1st of the month. I told him to call Norm. I gave him her number and he did. I went into the kitchen and poured some juice. I didn't need to hear him. A while after he said it's cool. The month's and next month's rent will be paid on like Friday probably. I get paid then. That check I've been waiting on from Keri's. And I'm hoping I get paid from that other logo job before Christmas.

I don't want a lot for Christmas. Honestly ... all I want is a minidisc player. Well, I want a digital camera too but I know I can't afford that right now. I might buy a nice Sony minidisc player and that would be it. Oh, and I'm buying a plush Sulley (from Monster's, Inc.). That should be cheap enough. There are other things I need. New clothes. New shoes (my New Balance sneakers are over a year old and falling apart). Stuff for my laptop. But most of it'll have to wait until I have more money.

Keri has more projects for me to work on. And she's not screwing me over like that other company. I still haven't replied to that email. I will tomorrow. I'll just tell her I'm very busy right now and there's no way I can handle that job right now. I told Mark about it tonight.

"You should sue!"