I'm in a weird funk. I have a couple things to work on but I barely have the energy to open Photoshop. Yesterday was pretty awesome but now I feel it didn't even happen. Sadness has a way of erasing. It's pretty powerful too. You can have a great week and the minute you fall into that hole, nothing else seems to matter. It's a strong feeling and it sucks.

I feel like an insane rambling person who really should be institutionalized. Locked away from the good folk. I feel I should be on medication, wrapped in a straight jacket. Tongue hanging out of my mouth. I feel I should be something ...I don't know what but not what and how I am now. Not with the thoughts that swirl around my head. Not with Ranger and the feelings I can't seem to shake. I feel like a crazy person who's done a good job at fooling everyone into believing I'm sane and semi-normal. I feel fake. Holden Caulfield would kick my ass.

I wish I had new 'issues' to deal with. I'm tired of recycling the ones I already have. Hmmm ... let's see I have very low, fragile self esteem. I pick the wrong guys and scare away the halfway decent ones. I have no money. Oh ...that's something I thought a lot about yesterday and I've come to the conclusion I'm too poor to date. Too poor to even attract men. What else? Oh ...there's my immigration status in limbo issue. I need new issues. Like anorexia maybe. Drug abuse? Maybe I could become an alcoholic! I sure like alcohol enough to become one. Or maybe I could be a little more irresponsible and move halfway across the country and get stranded there. I don't know. Help me out here. I can't think of anything else. Uh ...wait a minute. What about prostitution? That'll eliminate the money issue and create a whole new one. A good trade in.

I wish I could do that. Walk into an 'Issues Customer Service' office:

"Hi, I'd like to return 'broke-ass.'"

"What seems to be the problem with it?"

"Well ...it just ...I don't know. It just doesn't really work anymore. Can I maybe trade it in for 'being a crack whore?'"

"I don't know if we can do that, miss."

"Mister."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Ugh. Actually, can I trade that one in to?"

"What?"

"Sexual identity. I could have facial stubble while wearing an 'I have a penis' tshirt and people still mistake me for a girl. Especially at Kinko's."

"Well you can only return one issue at a time and I'm not even sure if we have anymore 'being a crack whore's in-stock."

"Hmmm ... ok. What about 'speed junkie?'"

"Hmmm ....I'll check the system ..... Hmmmmnnnnno. Just ran out."

"'Porn addict?'"

"No."

"'Sex addict!'"

"Hmm...no. Last one went out to a trannie in the East Village."

"Fuck!"

"'Cutter.'"

"No."

"'Fashion victim!'"

"Reserved for Li'l Kim."

"Ugh ...I guess I'll just check back tomorrow. Thanks anyway."

"Miss, you forgot your 'broke-ass' on the counter."