I have no idea what to pack. For the trip into the city tomorrow that is. I don't want to have a lot of bags y'know. Its only for a couple days but I wanna carry blades and those alone will take up my backpack. I don't have any other bags big enough to hold my blades and my clothes. Carrying them is stupid in a way. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and I doubt I'll even get a chance to blade anyway. I just really want to though. I'm wishing I bought that bag at Old Navy when I had the chance months back. It's big enough for all my stuff.

I feel messed up somehow. I do. With every keystroke I seem to feel even worse for some reason. I was talking to Ricky earlier. Much earlier. He says I seem different since that whole thing with Danny. I guess in a way ... I am. But it has nothing to do with him. I just have so much other stuff to deal with right now y'know. The apartment thing. Not having any money. Not having any ... control. That's it ... I have no control in my life right now. I never really did. My family did everything for me. And at first ... when I got here ... I had Bryan doing everything for me. And now ... now it's like I have to do everything on my own ... yet I don't .... Norm does. I know it doesn't make much sense ... I guess I'm the only one who can understand.

I just feel myself being independent ... and .... not.

And .. and there's no sign that anything I do is even making anything happen. Years ago ... when I was like 17 or so ... I could've sworn I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I just had so much to deal with and it was close to the way I feel now. This week is gonna be very productive. Sorta like a 'deciding' week. I mean it. I can't deal with this not knowing. Not knowing where I'm gonna live. Not knowing if I'll have to leave and go back to the Caribbean and settle for the template lives back there.

That's the last thing I want .... a template life. There are no choices there. You either become a nurse, teacher, bank teller, cop or 'other'. 'Other' meaning some other government job. No ... not when I could be so much more. Not when I could keep doing what I love doing .... being an artist. I just want to make a life for myself. People are starting to know me here. Everyone back in the Caribbean only knows me because of someone else. Because I'm Kat's brother. Because of my mom or my grand parents. Worst of all ... because of my dad. My stomach cringes every time I went out and someone said I looked just like him. Probably why I like changing my look.