Mmmmm ... good shower. Mmm... eez goot!

I was chatting on AIM earlier with this guy. He reads my diary sometimes, along with a few others. We got on to the topic of coming out. He thinks it's almost a crime to be in the closet. I totally disagree and I told him so. Sometimes I just don't see it as anyone's business but your own. I mean ... straight people don't run around telling everyone, "Hi, I'm late, I'm straight. Get use to it!" ... Ok ... that was sad but I couldn't think of anything else that really rhymes with 'straight'. And when was the last time a bisexual person ran around telling everybody that they like boys and girls? Usually you just find out. You see Paul with his hand under Amy's shirt one day .... and then you see him with his tongue down Frank's throat the next.

Telling all major newspapers ... it's a personal choice.

I came out ... no ... scrap that ... I let my mom know her suspicions about me were right when I was 17. I honestly feel parents ... especially mothers ... know. Something just tells them. Even if you're an alpha male. That 'mom' gene or whatever goes off. She would be driving to the store and something would go off ini her head, "Oh no! I forgot the iron on! And Tommy's gay!"

Denial is what keeps them asking about that girl you might've mentioned is cool a couple times. Didn't mean you wanted to make her bear your child and go shopping for china together. When I told my mom, through my tears ... I saw that "I know, son" look. And it wasn't even planned. I didn't get to rehearse telling her, "Mommy, I like boys and I like thinking about them naked! Yay me! Let's go shop for something in pink!" The only time I felt like telling her was after seeing that damn coming out episode of 'Ellen'.

This is a part of an entry I wrote then:

1997-04-30 - 10:28:00 pm

•Wednesday•

After watching Ellen's coming out episode, I actually felt like walking into Mom's room and telling her that I'm ..... gay or I think I'm gay. I'm honestly not sure. I mean, its not like I want to be I could never tell Mom. It would kill her and me. Everyone in our family is totally against that. It's against everything we believe in. You know, sometimes when I'm talking to Mom, she has this look as if to say "... do you have something ELSE you would like to tell me?". If only I could just tell her. Maybe she could help?

The crazy part is ... I told my sister when I was like 12 that I think I was. I honestly knew I was. But there was still confusion and ... I mean I was 12! I couldn't tell her ... so I wrote it on a piece of paper. Nothing but crying. I mean like .... snot dripping-face falling off-can't see because your eyes sting from tears-kinda crying. She laughed it off and said that because I wasn't athletic like other boys it didn't mean I was gay. Um ... ok. Seeing that I'd been kissed already by a boy and totally liked it.

So ... telling my mom 5 years later something that she'd already suspected do? Lift a great weight off my chest? Did we carress and then say some corny line like, "Silly boy" and end in a Brady Bunch moment? No. But she didn't pull a Jerry Springer on me either and yell, "Oh fuckin slut! I want your fag ass outta my house! You best not got AIDS, boy!"

It was like 2 in the morning or something when I told her. I think I wrote about it on here already. She hugged me and said she would always love me ... no matter what. I felt wretched and didn't even want her to touch me. But she held me.

Then... a couple days later, after the moment had past ... I was basically under a strict curfew. Had to quit this dance class I was in and pretty much had my calls screened. So ... what good did telling her do exactly? Beats me. The burden was off my shoulders years before when I managed to write 'I'm gay' with my 11 or 12 year old hand, in magic marker on notebook paper and give it to my sister. Did I feel alive after? Did I feel reborn? No. Have I told anyone else in my family? No. Why not? Because I don't think my grandparents, uncle, aunts, cousins and whoever else doesn't need to know that I don't mind giving a guy oral sex if I think he's cute. I tell who I feel should know. That doesn't include everyone I meet.

It's sorta like telling your parents you're not a virgin anymore. Especially like a daughter telling her dad. "Well, Dad, I was around 16 and ... remember Billy? That kid you hated? Yeah ... I lost it to him in the back of his Jeep Wrangler. It wasn't even that great. And that's the very same night you told me not to see him again after he dropped me off. Guess it was too late huh, tee hee". It's information they don't always need to know and most times ... prefer not knowing. Even if they suspect. Even if they saw your shirt a little out of place before you hugged 'em and ran to your room.

It's a personal choice and I think a lot of gay people focus so damn much about 'coming out'. Who exactly are you 'coming out' to? I think they sometimes focus too much on sexuality. Period. Yah ... I'm gay. But that's only a part of who I am. There's a lot more. I don't believe you can control who you fall in love with. I don't believe souls have genders. And if you're honest with yourself ... that's what you really fall for. Not the his massive penis. Or her perky breasts. And if that's what you fell for and couldn't be with the person if they didn't have that ... then that's really sad.

Y'know what's a really nice song? Mariah Carey's 'Lead The Way'. I know John would gag at that. Why are so many gay guys to catty towards Mariah? Yet a lot of them love Britney. *sigh* ... Poor girl. With the talent she has ... I couldn't careless what she wears or doesn't. I'm listening to that song right now. It's very 'old' Mariah as my friend, Sam pointed out.

My mom messaged me earlier. The same time I was chatting with that guy on AIM. She wants me to come home in December. I told her no. They still don't get it. Then she said something about a project she wanted me to work on. I told her my whole week's pretty much booked. Which is true. I have a lot of crap to finish for Keri this week. It's a big deal for me. It involves celebrities and my work being shown all over the place. Of course I have to put all my time into it. But of course ... my mom just sees it as me being bitchy. So after injecting me with 10 seconds of guilt, she logged off and left me to fall under. It ... always ... works. Pretty much anyone has the power to make me feel guilty and I'll cave. It's a very bad habit that I'm trying to shake. Not saying that people can easily make me do things I don't want to. If I really don't want to do something ... I won't. My mom knows exactly what to say and exactly when to say it for me to start feeling incredibly guilty. And even though I see through the scheme ... I still fall.