•Monday•Invisible is somewhat what I feel right now. But at the same time, something much worse. I say invisible but I'm not sure if that's correct. Some can be without being seen. I don't feel I'm being. Not sure whether I exist or not. I feel I only exist to the few people who think they know and/or need me. It's not a good feeling. I don't like it. It's been lingering for a few days now. Each day I feel lighter and more fictional. I'm not sure what my problem is. I just know that I want to matter more than I feel I'm mattering right now. Or more so... not mattering at all.
Lately I've been giving up on things before even starting. I don't know if it's Ranger or not. I just feel lately that I can't be bothered to put myself out at all. To anyone. To any and everyone. A selfish, self-righteous attitude that no one's worth it. And yet it's needed for protection. I think that's it. Protection.
A week ago, I was talking to my mom on Yahoo! Messenger. I told her I was too tired to deal with disappointment anymore. It's true. I am. I've known it for so long. Weird little happenings that poke at me. A big nuisance. Like gnats. A whole swarm of them. You try to shrug them off and swat them away. But with so many around you, you get tired after a while.
So ... instead of saying something to the guy on the bus or train I feel is watching me, I bury my nose in a book. Paul Monette right now. Becoming a Man. I read and then leave. No flirting. Then I come home and masturbate. Sometimes thinking of what could have been. Sometimes just going blank. Then convincing myself that boys indeed suck. Measuring the day's flirty glances and smiles to 'the Guy'. There's no way I'll ever meet someone like that ...someone so perfect and flawed. And since he doesn't exist, I let him consume me and trade some of my very own existence. Becoming lighter, fading and becoming invisible.
