I dunno what to do. I'm tired of saying that too. I feel I'll never be independent .... at all and its depressing. Very depressing.

The day didn't start off bad or anything. Amber had this spa treatment thing scheduled. We planned on going there and then heading over to that model agency. The salon was pretty upscale and I felt totally shitty standing there in my old red tee and dusty jeans. I didn't stay for long. We were sharing a coupon she got. I was gonna get my hair colored but I changed my mind and told Amber to take the hair treatment and I'd go to the model thing and then over at Norm's office. She wasn't gonna get finished at the salon before 1 anyway and that's the appointment at the model agency was around that time. We figured we'd meet up after and drive up to Rockland like we planned earlier.

I just wanted to hear them say "Hmm .. no I'm sorry. You're totally not what we're looking for" and laugh me out of the office. I just wanted to get it over and done with y'know. I dropped by an Old Navy before going over to the agency. Old Navy had a big sale and I ended up not only buying a couple shirts for like 3 bucks but I changed into one of them right there at the store.

As if I didn't feel lousy enough .... this totally cute guy walked ahead of me into the same building the agency was in. I kept thinking ... 'Please don't tell me he's going up there too'. Same elevator. Oh no! Same hallway! NO!!! Same .... office .... 'Glamour Model Talent'. Several people sitting and waiting. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I wanted to just turn around and leave .... but I didn't. I figured ... "Hey. It's not like it'll be strange to hear them say 'Umm .. No' ... Right?" The receptionist gave me a form on a clipboard that I filled out and gave back to her.

I saw this beautiful Asian woman come out and call names. I saw persons walk into the office and the door close. I saw some of them come out and leave right away. I saw some come out and sit down again ... waiting some more.

"I'll be one who just comes out in tears and rushes out the door," I thought.

I sat there and read through a magazine. Bazaar ... I think. This interview with Sarah Jessica Parker ... who I totally love. Sitting there and reading ... listening to Mariah Carey. They played her videos. Sitting there and reading ... listening to Mariah Carey and some morons who tried to sing along. I saw the guy who came in with me go in .... come out ... and leave right away.

"Oh wow ... if they didn't want him .... I don't stand a slight chance now," I thought.

The Asian woman came out and called my name soon after the cute guy left. It wasn't until I went in that I realized what was going on. She offered me a seat. I sat, took my glasses off and rested them on the desk.

"I like your look," she said right away with a smile.

I felt shitty and even when she said that ... I felt totally unattractive. I wasn't nervous though. Not in the least. I find that I don't get as nervous as I used to.

She asked if I did any work before. Even with Amber's coaching .... I was honest and told her nothing big. I mean ... I was an extra on the Young & The Restless once ... years ago. Nothing big. Non-speaking role. I didn't even mention that. Maybe I should've ... I dunno. I didn't even think about it then. She went on to say how much she liked my 'look' and explain how it works. Basically ... they find people for advertisers, directors and stuff.

Then of course ... she dropped the bomb. They would need to see how I photograph and work with the camera. Not bad .... she hasn't laughed me out of the office yet. It would cost 80 bucks and I get a set of the pictures. I'm glad I don't have a credit card or that I didn't have cash on me ... cuz I probably would've been pulled in. I told her I needed to think about it some more because I only came into the city for a couple days. She suggested I go back tomorrow. I told her I'd think about it, shook her hand said 'thanks' and left.

I didn't have Amber's cell phone number and I knew she wouldn't be at the salon so I headed over to Eric's office. I ran into one of the guys who works there. I knew Eric had said something about not being in office until in the evening but I didn't remember until I saw his co-worker. I felt lost. I knew where I was ... but I was totally lost. Amber wouldn't be back at the apartment until much later. The hell was I gonna do? Aha! Husani said he'd be in the city. I headed over there and .... no .. he wasn't there. Every time I go to that office and Husani's not there ... I feel like I get stripped of whatever 'nu yawker' status I have. I'm a moronic immigrant who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing or where he's going.

Range was suddenly right behind me. The minute I closed that door and walked downstairs to go back outside .. he was there. I felt my face relax and I felt really dark. I called Norm a couple times ... before I even headed over to Eric's office. All I got was her voicemail. I figured I'd go to her office and wait there a while. Plus I was supposed to meet her sometime today anyway.

With a smile on her face ... she asked if this was my day to piss everybody off. I knew she must've been somewhat upset. She said Amber was looking all over for me and that when I do things like that not show up when I say I'm supposed to ... schedules change. Every word hit and when my eyes went wide .... Ranger moved in. She said she sent me an email and asked if I read it. I hadn't been online since I got into the city. I planned on going up to White Plains early tomorrow morning but I changed my mind so I gave her my key to the apartment. After feeling 50% more shitty ... I left.

Eric was at his office now. Jake was in his office when I got there and pointed me out to this woman he was talking to as the illustrator of his new book. It's always times like that that I have to smile and force that 'nothing's wrong ... I feel fine' look back in my eyes. That and listen to them say what a great job I did and how talented I am without getting conceited. I don't think I could ever get conceited about my work though. I've been doing that for too long now.

Jake disappeared and then re-appeared with a copy of the book. 'Illustrations by .... me' ... it felt good staring down at my name like that. At the same time ... I wanted to just fall to the floor and cry. I got Eric's keys and left before I made a total fool of myself.