I have quite a few thoughts swirling in my head right now. For example, I feel most people don't know me. They either look too deep or not deep enough. And that's because I don't open up to people really. I feel I'll scare them if I do. Especially men. I'm very insecure. I'm not the jealous type, just very insecure. I'm pessimistic and I feel weird when things are going well. I'll get back to that.

For some reason I can't shake this image of Eric's wedding ring out of my head. I had no idea the uninvited thing got under me so badly. I feel overly sensitive about it and at the same time I know what it all means. And my eyes just kept going to the ring the last time I was at the office. He seemed to pay special attention to me that day too. Trying to be really funny. He knows he makes me laugh easily. I tried to be normal but I'm not sure I pulled it off. I felt him watching me a lot. I just don't like that it's still bothering me. I mean ...get the fuck over it already!

I like that I'm getting to me somewhat more independent. Norm sees it. She saw it on Friday. First time we've seen each other in weeks. I looked different and I felt different. And maybe I am different. I did a little shopping on Friday and I still had money to go out on the weekend. I didn't have to ask anyone for a cent and I like that. A lot.

I'm also thinking about this girl I ran into on Friday. I was going downtown to J&R, got on the 4 or 5 at Grand Central and who should I run into but Val, this girl I went to school with. In like first grade I thought I was in love with her. Then I realized it was actually her Miss. Piggy doll I was actually in love with. It was just bizarre running into her on the train. She's married now, lives in Canarsie and has a 2 year old kid. She seemed tired and unhappy. I seemed the complete opposite. Independent, perky and happy with shopping bags from H&M. When I got off at Brooklyn Bridge I didn't ask for her number or anything. I don't like pretending and I know I'd never have a reason to call her.

I feel that more than 90% of the time when I really need someone to talk to, no one's there. I feel most of my friends are only that by name. No one's ever been there when I really need them. I'm serious about that. And that's why I've learned to only depend on myself. Or at least try to. There's no one I can honestly say I'd feel comfortable calling when I feel crappy. Not even Husani really. There's a lot I haven't told him. Most times when I did see him I was almost over whatever was really bugging me. I feel bad he's gone to Maryland and didn't tell me. And I feel that I'll be stranded when Ariel goes back to Kentucky. I know I'll be. And I haven't even hung out with her as much as I really wanted. Mainly because I'm broke and can't go into the city. But yeah, it's always been me. I've had to be my own best friend for so long that I can't even let someone else take the job.