I know computers don't live and of course they don't have souls. But I feel I killed mine. I feel I killed it and now I'm lost. Very lost. Tuesday seemed a prelude to everything. I was at Keri's office and while working on it, my laptop just kept shutting off. Strange and frustrating. I managed to finish the work I had to get done and came home. Usually I sleep with my laptop on but it froze as I was getting ready to go to bed so I let it stay off. Got up Wednesday, turned it on, got some work done. And then ... pink ... smoke. There was pink smoke coming from my laptop. Everything went blank. You know how some things happen and you find you can't do anything but gawk? Yeah, that was me. Sitting on my bed with my legs folded. Gawking at the pink smoke coming from my laptop. Then I regained control and quickly unplugged it.

"If there's smoke coming from a laptop, that's not a good sign, right?" I called Eric.

I fanned the smoke, coughed and opened a window. I took my laptop, wrapped her in my pullover fleece, put her in my backpack and headed into the city. Eric's idea was, 'let it cool down and try it again later.' He told me to research laptops. In no time I knew exactly what I wanted. An Apple iBook. The very same one I blogged about. The very first computer I used was an Apple. I didn't use my first Windows-based computer until years later. Eric said he would read through the lease. I may not get a new computer until next week. And so, I am technically laptop-less. I'm typing this on Keri's small Sony Vaio. It's small and hates me.

I came home Wednesday night on the train across from a woman who had a box with no doubt a new laptop in it. I glared at her and wondered why of all times, that had to happened right then. Since I got my laptop in November of 2000, we honestly haven't been apart for too long and we got even closer when I moved to Jersey. I barely watch TV so I relied on my laptop for entertainment. My MP3s, games, porn! Being without the Internet is bad enough, but I couldn't even listen to music when I got home. I read a little and went to bed, staring up at the ceiling until I had to masturbate just to fall asleep.

Yesterday I got up, looking over at my laptop, hoping by some miracle, she would work. I felt like I got laid off. I had nothing to do and yet, a shitload of work to get done. All of which is computer related. All of which need me to work in Illustrator and Photoshop. I listened to Suzanne Vega. I paced back and forth. I jumped on my bed. I washed my hair. I watched the Sailor Moon movie I got on video. I paced some more and then decided to go to the library. The West New York Public Library/Torture Chamber where they only have Netscape on a crappy computer that takes forever to load anything and kept locking up.

I managed to use AIM Express to whine and complain enough to a couple friends to feel a little better. "I'm going to the park to feed pigeons" was the last thing I managed to type before the computer locked up again and I was told my time was almost up. I came home, had something to eat and took a nap. I don't usually nap during the day but I had nothing else to do and I felt I was going out of my mind. Boredom and curiousity got me to see Queen of the Damned.

The ending was weak. In fact, I couldn't get into the movie at all. I thought Aaliyah had more scenes. You see her like 4 times, tops and that's it. I yawned a lot and paid more attention to the moronic couple seated in front of me. He kept grabbing her face and kissing her and by all the slurping sounds, I concluded that he was terrible kisser and was probably sucking on her face like the vampires on screen. I walked home the second it was over, showered and went to bed.

Got up early this morning and headed into the city to see Norm.

"This is crazy. You need a computer. You, not having a computer is like me not having a car!" So I got Keri's laptop for the weekend. Although it's not letting me do much of anything.

I have to say that I'm lucky and very grateful for all the people I have in my life. And I'm also grateful that I'm needed. Even if just for my talent. My new laptop will be leased and I might actually get it on Sunday. The very same iBook I wanted. Crossing back over is a big step but it's what I need to do to get all my work done. Plus, having a DVD drive isn't bad either. I'll have to find a repair place next week to get everything off my old hard drive. I hope it's not damaged. I don't think it is. The smoke was coming from near my power connector. Repair would cost more than a new laptop.

I'm sort of paranoid of the guy at the repair shop looking at my files and seeing file names like 'hard fuck'. I'm not sure if I actually have a file with that name, but I know I have some with either or. I picture him telling his buddies to gather around, "Whoa! Kinky little bastard!"