When I hear someone call my name on the street I instantly get confused. That feeling is followed by shock and then another bout of confusion. I get confused because I don't feel I know that many people. At least people I'd run into totally randomly in some totally random place. If they call me by my full first name I freak out even more before I see the source. I randomly ran into Zack tonight in the Union Square subway. Running into people like that also gives me this strange feeling of ....I don't know ...accomplishment. Sort of. Because after years of being my mother's son, my sister's brother or my grandfather's grandson ...I'm finally just me. People know me for me and not because of my family. I like that.

Last night I got a little upset with Gary. We were talking about my [potential] trip to California and I mentioned that I still wasn't exactly sure what I was doing since the money I was pretty much depending on fell through. It was a check for six hundred and fifty bucks --the balance for working on a website. I called last week and asked them to make out the check to Richie and mail it to him (like they did before with the first portion). I was told that it would be done but then Norm sorta blindsided me and now the check's going to her. She sees it as 'August's rent'. I'm not pleased. But there isn't anything I can really do --without upsetting Norm anyway.

Gary argued that it wasn't fair and that I should've told her about it. That I was depending on it for the trip and that she's taking advantage of me. Hell-fuckin-looooooo? I know that! I tried to explain that, yes, I really want to go to California but it's not a necessity and Norm knows that. Arguing would be futile. He didn't get it and I told him so. The more I talked about it the worse I felt since I've been in this fuckin' situation for years now. I didn't need to be reminded of how weak I am sometimes. I know I should stand up for myself and I do sometimes. I told him that I have to pick my battles and because the trip isn't necessary, I'd lose. Fighting over IM is hard since you can't type what you're thinking as fast as you'd like. I told him I had enough and I was going to bed.

It pisses me off that people love pointing out how everyone else is taking advantage of me. Not Gary. People like Mark, Eric, even Norm. The all think the others should pay me properly. I did some CD artwork for Mark and I'm not getting paid a quarter of what I should be paid. I write it off as something that'll look awesome in my portfolio but it's a prime example of how hypocritical people can be. Norm would tell me I should demand Eric pays me better for the work I do for him, yet, when I demand she give me my fuckin' money, I get a lecture, a guilt trip, then screwed over.