Last night I thought about suicide. Not particularly for myself, I thought of people who actually went through with it. I get it. I get how you get to that point. It's difficult and quite easy at the same time, I think. I could be wrong. Like a notch lower than depression. Feeling exhausted and just wanting it to end. You've been trying to swim and keep your head above water for a long long time, you just want to stop treading water and slip under. Surrender.

I can't remember how many times I've wanted to just surrender and if I had a method as fast and efficient as a gun, perhaps I would've surrendered by now. It's exhausting. Living is exhausting. At least to me it is. Very very exhausting and I wouldn't mind going to sleep one night and never waking up. I'm on this conveyer belt going in the opposite direction and it sucks. I hate that I'm getting absolutely nowhere but tired. I feel there's no hope. I really do. No matter how hard I try, I can't feel it. I can't lie to myself anymore that "things will work out" because, they won't. They haven't really been or I'd be better off than I am right now.