I'm going back home. I feel I should. As in back to the Caribbean. I know things might work out here ..... question is: ....

Will I be sane then?

Everything that happened yesterday sunk in while I slept and I woke up ... drenched in this feeling of inferiority. I just don't see myself going forward and I hate it. I know ... I know .. patience. I'm trying. I thought a lot about it while I showered though.

Go back to the Caribbean. Get a job. Any job. Settle for the life that most people have there. Help my grandparents out. Happiness is over-rated. I feel a little better now. Norm and Richie are here. I guess I'm tired of having to get up at 7 everyday with no real reason besides the fact that someone could walk in while I'm sleeping. Not really getting up because I have stuff to do. I wish I did.

I told Husani once that I'd quickly get a job at Mc Donald's if i had my worker's permit already. I wasn't joking. I mean .... there's nothing wrong with working at Mc Donald's .... but 2 years ago I wouldnt've even dreamed of saying those words. Now? I don't really care. Anything that could help me get closer to some sort of independence. It just gets to me sometimes. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I really am. But ... every morning I get out of bed and fall into the routine. Everyday melds right into the next one. I have no weekends. The days are all the same.

Y'know when I felt I had real purpose lately? When I re-designed Ricky's diary and did that header for Stef. I love doing that sorta stuff ... but I can't work on empty projects. I can't really just make stuff up to do. I have to actually have something to work on. I have to have someone needing my work .... maybe just needing ... me.

I'm just in this snappish mood today. Yah ... more than usual. And it seems like everything is pissing me off today ... at the same time ... I'm so frickin frustrated ... I feel like crying. I would ... if I could. Just walk into the closet even, close the door and .... cry. I don't really wanna say anything to Norm. Sometimes I feel she doesn't understand and its pointless. I hate not knowing what's happening ... and I feel like that right now. That I don't know what's happening with my life and I still have no control. None.