I slept with someone for money. A week ago last Thursday. It's weird to even write about it. I don't even know what else to say. I don't even know how I really feel about it. We didn't have intercourse. It was something of circumstance. Something I don't really see happening again. I had thirteen bucks, a weekend coming up and a sister who needed to borrow money. I can say I did it for her but that would make me a whore and a liar I guess.

His name is Dave and clearly makes enough money to pay me $300.00 to see me naked. I've known him for a while and when he threw the idea out a week before I laughed and said he couldn't be serious. I had money then. At least enough to get me through the weekend. Who needs to leave their apartment anyway. Going outside's overrated.

Anyway. I pretty much traded in what little morals I had when I realized how screwed I was the next week. Thirteen bucks and the need for a trip to the supermarket. And then Kat called and asked if she could borrow 50 bucks towards her rent. And I felt helpless. And although I didn't have to lend her the money, I felt I had to. I would've borrowed it from Mark but he was off to God knows where. And so I found myself emailing Dave asking if he was free that Thursday evening. He replied and soon I found myself taking a shower and talking to myself.

"It's just money. It's just money. You can write off the whole things as experience. A life lesson."

I felt weak and sick in the shower and every now and then I had to just stand under the water and catch my breath. Clothes carefully picked out. I wanted to avoid wearing something I'd wear around Gary. I'm not sure why I was even thinking about that. I just did. I could've asked him for a loan but I don't want him to see how helpless I am. He already sees some of what I really am and he already pays for pretty much everything when we go out. I hate the way it makes em feel. I hate appearing that frail in the eyes of my friends and other people I really care about. Not that I don't care at all about David but he falls more under the category of stranger.

The bus ride into the city was almost the same as the shower. Every now and then my chest would start heaving and I'd have to put my head between my legs. We agreed to meet around Astor place. I called him from a pay phone and then ran across the street. There he was, right outside the Starbucks. He asked if I wanted to get something to eat. I quickly said no. We walked over to his apartment.

I stood in the living room staring out the window at the city from Dave's 20-whatever floor apartment while he changed out of his work clothes. We sat on the couch. I clammed up. I couldn't really speak. I'm not sure I wanted to. He dragged words and full sentences out of me. The most I remember doing is smiling a lot when he looked at me and falling serious the minute he looked away.

And then he moved closer to me. My heart was coming out of my fucking chest. And then he started touching me. My eyes grew big. And my heart must've stopped. Sounds faded. He led me to his room. I felt somewhat numb. He's attractive. But he also has a boyfriend who happened to be away. And I'm seeing someone. And so I couldn't be anyway near as passionate as he wanted me to be. I stared up at the ceiling as his hands roamed my body and whispered to myself, "This is not me. I am not here." But I was there. I was there for about two hours. At one point I fell asleep on him. Embarrassing and insulting. And then he came. And I got dressed.

He put the money in my coat pocket as he hugged me. I smiled and him and said thanks. I don't want it to seem like he's evil or anything. He's not and I do like him. And maybe if I wasn't seeing Gary it wouldn't have mattered. Maybe I would've moaned more and returned his touches. And let him kiss me the way he might've wanted to. And maybe if money wasn't involved. And I would hang out with him again. Just ...not like that. Not like that and no mentioning of that.