I don't feel I had a good day. In fact, I'm extremely tired, hungry and cold. The alarm went off at six and even though I hit the snooze button, I still got out of bed less than a minute later. I showered quickly and checked my email as I got dressed. Poured a breakfast of cheddar Triscuits into a ziplock bag and left for the city. The bus crawled along to the tunnel but I made it to Grand Central early enough.

Train fare was $9.50. I forgot about the 50 cents when I borrowed a couple bucks from Kelly last night. For some reason, even though I had JUST enough, the machine wouldn't take two of my dollar bills and I had to dig around for change. I still ended up a quarter short with the train about to leave in about three minutes. I leaned over to the guy at the machine on my left and asked if he had a quarter. The minute that happened, I saw the rest of my day.

Weather reports said it would at least be in the 60s today with rain. I'm way underdressed. When I got off the train in Southeast I knew I was fucked. Thin striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up and not nearly enough buttons done, very light Gap 'jeans' (which are so not jeans, damnit!) and sandals. No jacket. Not even denim. All this would not have even been a big deal had Richie been waiting at the friggin station. Last week I had to wait an hour, this week a half an hour. At least it's an improvement, I guess.

Lunch was skipped. I only had exactly $2.10 on me. I planned on getting a cookie or a chocolate bar at least but when I mentioned I was heading out, Norm asked me to get her tea. I couldn't pull it off so I just got her fuckin' tea and walked back to the office. At least this office has a coffee machine and people who like coffee. I sucked on a couple sugar cubes and drank two cups of coffee.

Come time to leave, Norm messed about on the phone and I again foresaw the rest of the evening. I wasn't proven wrong. Because she didn't haul ass I missed the 4:42pm train I was aiming for and had to wait at the fuckin' freezing station for the 5:09. The train's of course warmer but I'm still cold.

I called Gary while I waited. I got his voicemail greeting and left a message saying I hope he wasn't answering because he was busy water skiing or something. I ended with "I love you." I've never done that before but I felt it so I said it. Maybe I said it because of crappy day I'm having. Maybe I said it because of the strain between us, the strain I caused. Maybe it's a little of both. I picture him thinking I only said it because of what happened last week.

Blaaaargh. Fuck man.

I can't wait to get home. I want to cry but I can't. Not because I'm embarrassed to. I feel strangely dead inside. I felt that way last week as the words "Maybe we should see other people," came out of my mouth. Actually, I felt it before then. I think I felt it years ago when I used to slap myself across the face if I wanted to cry over depression. I used to tell myself that I'm wasting tears and someday I'll run out. I think I've run out. Now it just hurts really bad. I feel it in my throat and it takes forever to go away. It chokes me but I don't give in. Well, most times I don't. When I do give in I only seem to cry for about a minute. The time it seems to take for that burning ball to shrink down enough for me to swallow.

Right now I feel mostly pissed off and hungry. There's sadness too, of course. There's always sadness. I think I hate my life right now. I'm stuck and no one seems to be able to help or maybe I'm not allowing them. I hate being as frail as I am. It makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

Thoughts swirling. So many thoughts just swirling. I secretly wish for death. I really do. I just don't believe anymore that things will work out. I'm tired of this fight, this scraping by. My stomach's growling right now and I have no idea what I'll have for dinner. I'd love to order cheese tortellinni with chicken in alfredo sauce but I can't knowing I have to find some way to come up with my rent by the end of the week.

It's times like these I feel I need to avoid everyone, cut 'em loose because they deserve better or something. I know Gary can do a hell of a lot better.