Tomorrow ... I should go shopping or something. Shopping always makes me feel better. But ... I have no money for shopping. Here begins the spiral down towards November 9th. My birthday. Yay for being alone.

QueerScribe called me today. Which is just what I needed. Everyone I know is either busy ... or I'm tired of calling them and complaining about guys. Complaining to new people is better sometimes. I thought of calling Rudy at first. But ... sometimes he can be condescending and I so did not need that. QueerScribe sounded exactly the way I imagined. And he really does say 'eh'. I thought that was so cute. We chatted for a long while and I felt better. I really did. I still do. But every now and then ... something whispers that I'll always be alone. And my eyes fall and I feel myself slipping. I can't even look in the mirror. I can never seem to do that when I feel this way. I wash my face ... and my eyes dart away. I told QueerScribe that it feels like this is another stroke. Another etch. Scratch in the wood. A line through the little stick figures of other guys. But then ... QueerScribe made a very good point. No one makes those markings but me. No one knows about them but ... me. it was really nice chatting with him. And it just felt like I was chatting with a friend I've known for years. I guess in a way ... it was. He's one of the first people I met at Diaryland and I'm really glad I know him.

I blogged earlier ... asking myself if I'm a 'Carrie'. If I'm too complicated. Of do I just make things complicated. Part of me says I did with Aaron. The ... the other part says "Fuck that! You didn't even have sex with the guy. That's how much you were starting to like him." But then ... that makes me wonder, "Should I have put out?"

How do we really know what breaks things? And I can't spend all my time asking "What if." It's just not practical. I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner. I mean ... two weeks. Apparently ... he wasn't sure if the guy was really interested.

Great.

I'm just so tired/confused/sad/angry right now. Everything at once. And I'm sorta disappointed that I cried. I can't even cry for me. Yet the tears just came on demand for Aaron. It's not fair. Now I just feel exhausted. I'm just so tired of the bullshit. I keep saying it but this time I'm seriously going to try and take a very ... very very long break. So now ... a shower, Tori Amos and a lot of Radiohead. And then I'm starting on a wall.