I'm awake and I don't want to be. I tried staying in bed and staring up at the ceiling but it's just making the knots in my stomach tighten. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like giving up. There are only a couple days left in this year and I feel I'm not ready to wrap everything up and prepare to be a newer, better Angel Boi. I feel rushed and sick and just fucked up.

I'm in that 'things will never change' rut and it fuckin sucks. It sucks. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling I should give up and go back to the Caribbean. It's not what I want but I can't keep living the way I am. I can't keep gritting my teeth. I can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep depending on everyone else. I can't keep feeling as if I'm drowning.

What's weird is that I'm not a person who can deal with most of the shit thrown at me. Yet, I'm always getting this shit thrown at me. Norm is pissed. I woke up yesterday to a message on AIM from her basically saying (in reply to my away message) that I'm not asleep when I need money. I hate waking up and having messages like that be the first thing I read. It's not exactly a great way to start the day. I called her. She was upset because we were supposed to meet on Thursday. I called her on Thursday and she told me to call her back in fifteen minutes. I didn't. Apparently, though, phone lines only work one way. Yesterday I had to listen to the usual lecture she gives when she's upset with me.

How much she's done for me. The 'nice' life I have. How little she asks for in return. She has done a lot for me. 'Nice' life? Right. Having 'stuff' doesn't mean anything when your self-worth is constantly knocked around like a soccer ball by pretty much everyone. I wasn't exactly living in a grass hut back home. I didn't exactly have to walk miles for water. I didn't have to pick cotton or harvest rice. I lived in a pretty decent house with indoor plumbing. I've never had to walk to fetch water. The only time I picked cotton was off a cotton gin on a school field trip.

I always have to point out to Norm that it doesn't go one way. I never used to at first. I used to just sit and listen to her list the things she's done for me. I don't just sit and listen anymore. I also find it funny when she says things like I only call her when I need money. I don't see her calling me just to say hi. The calls are usually to tell me when work I need to get done.

A while ago I woke up to another message from her. This one about a check she sent Mark for my rent. Eric's office first made out a check to Mark. Mark argued that he's not paying taxes on it. I took the check back. Norm made out a check and mailed it. Mail was slow and Mark was getting pissed since it was already the middle of the month. I had Eric's office make out a check again and told Mark I'd pay whatever the amount will be in taxes. He was literally driving me crazy. I had him to deal with and called from the people handling the Greenwich Hospital bill. A couple days after I gave Mark the replacement check, Norm's check came in the mail. I told him not to deposit it early. When I spoke to Norm yesterday she asked about it. I found out that Mark did deposit it.