Last night I met -quite possibly- the most stupid person alive. And I'm actually being nice saying that. This guy is the word 'duh.' I am not kidding. He's apparently someone Husani's known for a while but had never met in person. They were meeting up for coffee and Husani said I should come along. Big mistake.

We met him, Troy outside the Starbucks around the corner from Husani's office. Football player's build (jersey to match) and seemingly subjected to as many blows to the head. The minute I saw him I knew Husani and I would have a lot to talk about after.

Introductions and then Husani opened the door, "I need caffeine in me right now!"

I walked in behind him and naturally thought Troy would as well. Uh ... no. He stood outside. He wasn't smoking a cigarette or anything. He just stood there.

"What is he doing?" I turned to Husani.

Two minutes later Troy appeared through the other entrance. I should've just come home by then. We got our coffee and headed to Union Square park like Husani and I always do. I suffered through a minute alone with Troy outside while Husani grabbed napkins. A minute is an eternity with this guy. I tried to get some sort of conversation going but he wasn't giving me much to work with. Sitting in the park was pretty much the same thing. He only seemed to perk up when two guys were taking some pictures and they took their shirts off.

I got this bright idea to go to Brooklyn. Prospect Park in Brooklyn to be exact. Ok, the cruisy area in Prospect Park in Brooklyn to get technical. But not to hook up. Just flirt, get a couple ego shots and come back to the city. Husani was game. So was Troy (even though he seemed clueless to what we were talking about).

"We're going to Brooklyn to possibly look at penises. Brooklyn for dick."

After I spelled it out for him, we hopped on the 4 train and headed out. The other que for me to leave was when Troy fell asleep on the train. The ride wasn't that long and even if it were, he didn't give it a chance anyway since he fell asleep ten minutes into it. That, after bitching about how crowded the train was.

Prospect Park was funny. It wasn't long before this guy sitting across from us tried to get one of us to come over. That 'one of us' turned out to be me and that's when it stopped being funny. A dark guy with smoker's lips, a white tshirt and green 'fatigue-colored' (as Troy pointed out) pants. He eventually walked over to us and basically asked what he has to do to hook up with me. Having him walk over was enough of the self esteem boost I needed to last me the rest of the week. Some guy he said was his cousin showed up a while later and they went back and forth saying how apparently gorgeous I am while brushing the hair out of my face. I basked like the little whore I am until I was full. My cynicism and avoidance of their questions and pleas for me to take a 'walk' with them grew until they left.

Husani disappeared some time later and came back possibly an hour later with a smile on his face. I, of course had to suffer alone with Troy. Troy has a habit of burping. With no 'excuse me' after. You can never really understand anything he says. He mumbles pretty much everything. You just smile and nod and hope he didn't just say he wants to cut you into little dices and ejaculate on each piece before stir-frying.

We headed back to the city. Troy again slept most of the way. This time with his jersey pulled over his head and his arms tucked in. A big stupid turtle. That's what he looked like. A big stupid turtle on its back with its mouth gaping open. Husani and I joked about sneaking away to another car or transferring to another train.

Got back Union Square. We figured Troy would be ready to head home so Husani and I walked over to Wendy's. Troy ...followed. The burping, mumbling, sleepy stupid turtle was right behind us. He also has this way of trailing behind. Even if you're talking to him there's a 10-foot gap. I'd seriously had enough. Plus, he was invading our 'Wendy's time'. Husani and I ordered together like we always do. Not sure if Troy was still with us or not. He ordered iced-tea but was told that they pretty much just pour hot tea and add a truck-load of ice (which is pretty stupid to me since they could easily refrigerate some of it). Troy stood there for I have no idea how long before walking over to where Husani and I were sitting. Then he mumbled something about wanting chicken nuggets like it was the biggest decision of his life. The future of mankind depended on Troy's decision to get chicken nuggets or not. Heavy breathing and mumbling showed everyone nearby this boy's conflict.

Left Wendy's and stood outside while. Troy pulled out his cell phone and I commented on how cute his little headset was. He mumbled what I figure was "Thanks" before mumbling something else and ducking into Duane Reade. This was it. This was our chance to escape. I wasn't aware but Husani was and he took off towards a small crowd of people on the corner. I found myself trapped. Thinking he might come out of the drugstore just as I turn to leave. And I was wearing a white shirt. Fuck! He would've seen me for sure. Then I said 'fuck it' and sprinted to catch Husani who had ducked behind a van. I was laughing so hard, I could barely run.

"Let's go a block over so he doesn't see us," my fellow escapee suggested.