It seems ... somewhat normal. But ... of course ... I haven't been outside yet. I'm just in bed, feeding off the sounds from outside. They're doing some sort of construction across the street. Been doing it for a while now. So I'm listening to the drills, other power tools and hammers pounding. It just seems like ... I dunno ... that yesterday didn't happen?

*sigh* I know it did.

... I know it did. I know it did and just wish I didn't know. I woke up to a ringing phone around 8:45. Four hours of sleep were not enough. It was Keri. asking me about a newsletter I was working on. Both her and Norm have been ... I dunno ... weird? Like when Norm messaged me yesterday. Calm and talking about work. I had to stop her and ask "Um ... where are you?" Because I couldn't believe that she was asking if I could get into the city and that we should meet up on Thursday to work on stuff. I figured she was in shock. Along with me and the rest of the whole country.

But then Keri's call this morning was just sorta weird. I mean ... I know we have to go on. We have to live. Probably live each moment to the fullest now more than ever. Things like that shake you and make you see how important people are. And how petty it is to have little family feuds and crap. Life's just too short. I've always sorta lived by that rule and that's why I hate fighting ... with anybody. I hate conflict. I just find it a waste. People piss me off but no one I know personally ... I can say I hate. Even people who have done me wrong. It's just a waste of my energy. Energy I can use to stretch the montage of my life's images running through my mind and over my eyes when I'm on my death bed.

Mayor Gulliani's right though. We should go shop and go have lunch with the people we care about. But ... it's just ... hard. I know you can't stay sad forever but I mean ... ugh ... I can't even imagine how people must feel still looking for their loved ones. I just can't put myself there. I find that I can usually merge myself into people and situations ... but not now.

Birds just flew past my window.

The sky's a perfect blue. Absolutely perfect. Just like yesterday. Seems sort of a mockery. Or maybe It's God's way of saying "It'll be ok. You can go on. It'll be hard ... but you can"

I heard from my friend Bob. He hasn't logged into his Yahoo! Messenger in ages. I sent him an offline message last night saying to make sure he messaged me. He got online this morning and my eyes ... my eyes just started welling up. He was the only person left that I really ... really needed to hear from. Because I know he takes the Trade Center path train to Jersey for work. Well ... 'used to' he typed.

'Used to.'

That's going to take a lot of practice. 'This is where the World Trade Center used to be.' 'I used to take the path from there to get to Jersey.'

So much to learn now huh. So much to learn and do. And I find that I can't concentrate or even motivate myself to do it. Just this somber feeling. Over the whole city. People are still just dazed. But not the same as yesterday. Today's premourning ... yes 'pre' because the dust still hasn't settled. Premourning and realizations.

I also got an email from reader and fellow D*lander Doghigh. I was so relieved. I thought of him yesterday and kept checking his journal for any update. Strangely ... I didn't think to click his email link or even check my Hotmail account for his address. I wasn't thinking at all.

Bridges and tunnels are closed. So ... there goes my chance of getting to Aaron's so I'm not here alone again. And of course ... since airports are still closed ... Mark isn't getting home today.