Listening to 'Crying' by Roy Orbison. Norm was listening to a cassette while driving back into the city. That song was on it. I'd heard it before. I downloaded it when I got home. Nice song.

The weather's so depressing lately. As if we don't have enough going on. It's kinda selfish to be cloudy now. Even though I tried to avoid it ... it finally caught up with me. Knowing someone who knew someone who died in the terrorist attack. He called his wife and said that there was too much smoke and he didn't think he'd make it. *sigh*

I don't even know what to say to that. When I heard it ... my eyes reflexly closed and I envisioned it. I mean ... what do you say to something like that. Just awful. Maybe it was selfish of me to avoid that but ... I can't deal with it anymore. It's everywhere! I've stopped watching TV ... but I still have to go outside. I still have to go outside ... look across the river at where the Tower's used to be. I still have to see the smoke. And you can't escape the candles on the sidewalk. Firemen helmets ... flowers. Or the 'wall' at Grand Central when I have to take Metro North. I haven't been to Union Square in a while. I ... I just can't. It's too much. And I feel selfish for wanting it to go away. I feel selfish knowing that there are tons of people who lost someone and I'm complaining.

And then listening to the radio on the way into the city ... hearing them talk about the terrorists trying to get a license for crop dusting. It's scary. Really is. I'm not the same ... I know I'm not. My balance is off. I used to be late before ... but now it's just weird. And ... driving under some bridges today ... I felt weird. Weird ... and afraid.

I took a nap earlier after dinner. I just felt way too sick to stay up. Got up like an hour ago. I'm resting tomorrow. I have a couple phone calls to make but that's about it. And if I feel well enough ... I'll go hang out with Rudy later. I think I need that. So I hope I feel good enough to go. I need to do stuff. Probably now more than ever.

Even though ... I'll never be the same. It's impossible to be.