We do stupid things. Last night I told Gary as we laid there, in the dark, in his bed, that we should see other people. My heart was beating out of my chest and back. Ignorance really is bliss. I was using his computer much earlier and found things I shouldn't have. At first by accident and then by a little snooping. I'm definitely not proud of the snooping part. I don't think I would've if I didn't stumble onto the URLs I did. 'Auto complete' can turn a single letter into comparison and doubt.

I like porn. I think everyone who knows me knows I like porn. I volunteer that information. I'm not an addict, I don't masturbate every day or sometimes even every week. I have nothing against Gary looking at porn. I do have a problem with finding URLs for 'rentboy.com' though, with location searches and keywords like 'Asian' and 'bodybuilder'. I'm neither Asian nor a bodybuilder. Now now, every pornographic image I view does not contain a mirror image of Gary. I think if it were any other site, I wouldn't have cared much, but rentboy.com? Ugh. "Is he into really kinky stuff I don't know about?" "Rentboy.com? Does he come with these guys?" "Does he have an Asian fetish? Why are we together then?" I fell quiet the rest of the day.

Always someone younger with a tighter ass and more mischievous smile. Always someone kinkier, smarter, funnier with a steady income and U.S. citizenship. Always someone Asian with more muscle.

It's hard getting inside Gary's head. I told him that in the dark between the sighs and silence. I'm so much more open about things with him. I'm open about what I'm into sexually. He is not. Sex is embarrassing and a sore subject for him. He avoids instead of dealing. I told him we should see other people because I also figured if he feels trapped in our relationship he'd never tell me unless I pulled it out of him. I'd be much quicker to say something. I felt like a lonely 'house wife' when I saw those rentboy.com URLs. The gay.com profiles I saw after made me feel even worse as most Connecticut guys and they were bookmarked.

Honestly, I have no real desire to see anyone else. I love Gary. I love him more than I've loved anyone else. I told him that last night in the dark as well. He revealed that he doesn't think he makes me happy, but he does. I think everyone who knows me and has heard me talk about him can see that.

He did explain that he was embarrassed that I even found the URLs and that no, he was not seeing or fucking anyone else and that he was just browsing. Possible, but I can't fully believe everything and strangely it's not because I don't trust him. I was hoping he'd be open about some other things on his own since I wasn't about to and will probably not reveal everything.

He did surprise me when he said he's thought about us living together. Never in my lifetime did I even think he would want that. This, my man who's too paranoid to even hug me at Grand Central when we meet after being apart for a week. You can only use the 'roommate' explanation for so long. What would the neighbors think?