Yesterday was actually one of the crappiest days I've had in a while. By the time I was on the bus home from the City, I had decided that I'll go back to the Caribbean because it sure as hell isn't working out here. I feel a little differently now. Things just don't seem to change. And that's all I want to happen. Nothing major.

I've been talking with George for a while now about making a trip upstate for a weekend to hang out. Turned out that this weekend he's off work and would've been perfect. Sixty one bucks for a greyhound ticket up to Geneva. I decided if I had enough money by the time I headed home Friday afternoon, I'd pack some clothes, catch the 1:15am bus Saturday and be in Geneva by 7am. The fact that I didn't make the trip didn't make me feel as bad as why I wasn't able to and a few things that happened before I even got home.

I was at Eric's office for most of the afternoon. I had used the very last five dollar bill I had to buy a Metrocard. I had to if I was going to leave Port Authority after getting off the bus. I figured I'd get money for the weekend anyway. Norm had given me 80 bucks on Tuesday while I was in White Plains. I bought two pairs of boxer briefs and a t-shirt before I got back to the City that day. I don't feel I should have to tell Norm every single thing I buy or spend my money on.

".... and then after that, I bought a tube of KY, a box of Kleenex ... ok ok ... two boxes and a John Tesh CD. I'm single and almost always alone. How else do you think I spend my weekends?"

I helped Eric fix some stuff on the website. Then he told me for ... the hundredth time that he'll work on getting me a new laptop. I try to tune it out now. I hit my boiling point ages ago with that situation. I'm so beyond frustrated, my teeth are chipped. He told me to print all the information (again) on the laptop I want. I did. He said he would try and take care of it so I got it this weekend. I'm not holding my breath. I was getting ready to leave and had no money. He had forgotten his ATM card at home which turned out not only bad for him but for me. That shouldn't even be! But it is. He called up Norm who questioned me about the 80 bucks she had given me earlier in the week and the 120 bucks I had gotten last Friday.

"That's 200 dollars in a week, Angel Boi. I don't even spend 200 dollars in a week."

I didn't know what to say. I ran all my purchases through my head and, yup, I'd spent it mainly on stuff I needed. Like groceries - close to $60. Train and bus fare into the City is about 10 bucks. Everytime I go in. That's why I try not to go in unless I have to. And then my train fare to White Plains - an extra 10 bucks.

Norm talked to Eric again for a while. I grabbed my coat and bag.

"She wants to know if you're coming to her."

It was instant. I fell incredibly sad ... incredibly fast. There was someone else in Eric's office and it just made me feel even smaller. It's bad enough asking him for money. But asking with someone else in the room ... sucks! No other word for it. It just plain sucks! Hard too! And it wears me down.

"Tell her I'll see her on Monday," I slipped my coat on and smiled the biggest, most artificial smile ever.

"You're gonna get by on the weekend with ten bucks?"

"Yup. Tell her I'll see her on Monday." I left.

I'd had enough. I really had. It took everything in me not to cry while waiting on the elevator. I would've instantly broken down if Eric had walked out to get me while I was waiting. I'm glad he didn't. Ever notice the more you tell yourself 'don't cry', the more you want to?

They'll never know how much it eats away at me to ask for money every time I went broke. And the thing is ... it's my money. It's money I have earned. I can spend a lot. I really can. But I've learned a lot. I'm not that bad anymore. Ever since I moved in with Mark and had to pay rent, I've cut back on shopping so much. I really have. Nothing I do seems to make Norm see that though. And every time I run out of money, I have to beg for more. Like Oliver-fuckin-Twist.

"Please Sir, can I have some more?"

I have to beg and then pretty much give a rundown of what I spent the last bit of cash I had on. And every time I do, it eats at me a little more. I've suggested to Norm so many times to open a joint account and deposit only a certain amount in at a time. A salary. I'll have an ATM card, and I wouldn't have to call her up every time I needed money. I wouldn't have to accept money in public. I can actually feel like somewhat of an adult. It's not too much to ask. It's jut not a good feeling being at Barnes & Noble, seeing a book I want to buy and I can't because if I do, I'll only have 40 bucks left and that has to last until I see Norm again.

I left Eric's office thinking I'd go over to Husani's and borrow $80 from him, go to Geneva and at least have a good weekend with George. I didn't. I stuck my hands in my pockets, made sure I had enough change to get the bus home and came to Jersey. My eyes watered the whole way and it took forever to get home because traffic was backed up. I called George and we talked on the phone for a bit. I tried to reach Husani but they hadn't seen him at the office the whole day and he wasn't answering his cellphone.

With everything that happened, thoughts swirled. Thoughts about going back to the Caribbean and getting a job at a supermarket even. Some level of financial independence to me is the one thing that makes us feel like an adult. Some. Even if you still live at home with your folks. Once you're able to buy stuff without having to ask someone so often, you're fine. As long as you can buy that book or shirt you wanted, knowing that you can always go to the ATM later, you're fine. I still can't exactly do stuff like that. And with no sign of any light at the end of the tunnel, it just makes me really sad.

And thoughts about how easier it would be if I were American. It would be. I'd get a part time job at McDonald's. Or maybe even Kinko's. I've learned so much about pride and had mine torn at so much, that I really wouldn't care too much about the job. But right now I just feel like something of a high-priced hooker. I'm not a freelance designer, I'm a whore with computer skills. With all the spare change I have right now, I have just enough to get into the city and one subway ride.