Know what I don't like? People's warmth. Like when you're on the subway and you sit where someone was just sitting. It ... just doesn't feel right. I guess it's ok if you know the person. Like hanging out and you sit on their computer chair or something right after they get up. I don't mind that. But not just anyone. I feel weird touching the subway pole or the hangers if they have someone else's warmth on them. I would put my hand on a different area until I feel the place I really wanna grab is cold enough again. I'm weird like that.

Today wasn't that bad. I got up around the time Mark was leaving. I always wake up around that time but I don't always open my eyes. I'd keep 'em close and settle back into half sleep until he just goes away. He sometimes practices guitar when he gets up. And ... sometimes he sings/yells in the shower. Which I find very cute. I like it when guys who can't sing ... well ... try to anyway.

He knocked on my door before he left and asked if I was going over to the Galaxy any time today. I figured he wanted a video returned to Blockbuster ... and if I wasn't still trapped somewhere in sleep ... I would've asked "Why?" and then volunteer to carry it. I'm nice like that.

I should've finished my sketches last night but I didn't. Jay called me last night and after chatting with him, cleaning up my room and trying to get out of the crappy mood I was in ... I just played around online, listened to sad music and went to sleep. The sketches weren't complicated. I showered soon after I got up and got something to eat. I needed the card sheets I have cut in two. There's a copy shop close to Bergenline Avenue that I've been. I figured they'd have a cutter. but .... I had no idea how much if anything ... they would charge to get paper cut. I had 4 dollar bills in my wallet and good few quarters in a jar. I actually whispered a prayer before leaving the apartment.

Y'know sometimes you just feel like the slightest thing could break you? You're already feeling shitty and then some stupid little thing happens and you feel like either breaking stuff ... or curling up on your closet floor. Or maybe both. I felt that way.

So ... I took my wallet and went to the copy shop. I got several sheets cut. No cost. Came home. Did all the sketches. Got ready and went into the city. Keri loved them. We went out for lunch and I was still feeling shitty because I knew I'd have to ask her to lend me money. I couldn't even eat. We went back to her office and ... I couldn't. I had 4 dollars on me and I have to go up to White Plains tomorrow. And I couldn't ask her for money. I couldn't. I felt like total shit. And in a warm rush, Ranger washed over me. I wanted to cry and I my eyes got blurry as I waited for the elevator. I was going to just come straight home but then I remembered Eric wanted me to help him with something so I called him. I didn't want to at first. Feeling that shitty and putting up with Jake isn't a good idea.

I went over anyway. Basically ... Eric made me an offer. He just needed like a web page edited a little. I helped him out with that and he helps me haul ass to IKEA ... maybe this weekend. So basically ... I'm a whore? I really like hanging out with Eric though. Ranger was gone. Until I got ready to leave anyway. When the laughing and company was starting to fade. When I realized I'd use the money to get over to Eric's office. So again ... I was faced with asking ... or not asking. He left the office with Jake and I was going to leave. I stood waiting for the elevator when I heard him and Jake chatting. Jake went back into the office.

"You're going?"

"... Yah." If I looked at the floor too long, gravity would've taken hold and tears might've fallen.

"K ... I'll call you later. Are you gonna be home?"

"Most probably."

"Ok."

And then he opened the door. He was going back into the office and I wouldn't have another chance. So I swallowed hard and ... "Can I borrow 20 bucks from you?" came out. Immediately ... I'm not lying ... I felt sick.

"Sure."

I even feel bad writing it now. I came home, went over to Pathmark and got a couple things. Cereal, juice, bagels. And I have enough money to get up to White Plains tomorrow. Now I'm eating that smoked turkey wrap I was supposed to eat for lunch. I don't feel as shitty as I did then.