Another day of nothing. I missed church. I feel bad about that because I like going. I'm a bum. I heard my alarm go off and I did the 'aaah I'll just sleep for 5 more minutes' thing. I don't even know why I try that .... I always mess up. I was surprised that the computer was still online when I got up. I left it on to finish downloading a song on Napster. I'm sure if I left it on to get stuff that I've been dying to get ... it would've disconnected 10 seconds after I got in bed hehe.

Nothing to talk about ... seeing that's all I did .. all day. I'm such a bum hehe. Oh .. my sister messaged me on Yahoo! Messenger. She pretty much said what my mom was saying about going to the Caribbean in May. Still not telling me why and its pissing me off. I'm trying not to let them even get to me. I had another dream last night. I've been dreaming a lot lately and all of them have me split between New York and the Caribbean. Being sad back in the Caribbean and seeing people with strange faint outlines of places in New York around them. Just faint outlines. Like someone was editing a photo and erased some of the background ... but you could see by about a half inch outline that the picture was taken in New York.

My sister also keeps talking about this school in Miami that I wanted to go to last year. An advertising school. I don't want to go there anymore. I want to stay here in New York. That's another thing ... she says she's moving here this summer. I can't even deal to think about that. I mean ... why here? Why New York? There are thousands of other places to move to. She barely even likes it here. But its as if she just has to move here. Anything to keep me from building a life of my own. Anything to keep my from having my own space. It sounds self-centered but I know her. She knows all the right buttons to push and control me. And make me feel miserable. And I won't be able to stop it. Not now anyway. I'm not strong enough. That's why I liked the fact that both her and my mom were in Canada and not here when I got to New York last summer.

I feel physically ill thinking about her being here in the summer. Right around the time that Ricky's supposed to get here. My stomach does these little flips and I start breathing faster.