Today actually wasn't half bad. If I had more money I would've felt even more like a tourist hehe. I spent most of my time as Kinko's (of course). At around 1 ... I left Kinko's and started walking to the Galleria. Then I remembered seeing a McDonald's in a Sears building or something that night I wen't out with Luis. I mean ... there's one pretty close to Kinko's at the Westchester Pavillion (I think that's what its called) .... but why go there when I've walked by there so many times. I'd never walked by that Sears building anyway ... so it would be something 'new'.

I walked around in Sears for a while. I thought they might have the baseball shirts I've been looking for for a while now. It wasn't until I sat there in McDonald's to eat that I started feeling sad. Ranger was right there sitting opposite of me. I just went off into a blank stare and ocassionally popped a couple fries in my mouth. I could feel him all around me. Breathing down the back of my neck and still staring me right in the face. Our foreheads almost touching. I could feel the hairs rise on the back of my neck ... still in a blank stare.

When it's like that .... I know that I'm in a blank stare ... yet I'm almost powerless to blink and snap out of it. And I feel my whole body being invaded by Ranger. I would have to just blink to stop it ... but I can't. Thoughts started streaming in and I could feel my features begin to fall. It was done .... I was feeling shitty enough now and I snapped out of it. I threw my apple pie in my backpack, threw the rest of my soda and fries in the trash and left.

All those feelings of being pretty much homeless came back and I felt a slight headache start to make its way through. I walked around the whole block and saw that it was close to that 'parklet' I sat in the other day. I no longer keep my feelings bottled up. When I'm sad ... I wanna be sad until I'm better. I never got to do that before. If I was sad around family ... I'd have to answer tons of questions or be told to at least smile if I go out. Norm tells me that too ... which I hate sometimes. I can't be sad forever so at least let me have that moment ok? Let me sulk and feel shitty and then mend myself. Don't tell me to get better when I don't want to.

I walked ½ my normal pace and sorta whispered my thoughts about what I was feeling. Feeling totally displaced. I actually started feeling a little better. And just as I did ... I wanted to pee. I was closer to the Galleria now. I rushed through the mall and headed for JC Penney. With my luck ... the only person I saw who worked there was a woman behind the perfume counter ... and hunched over the glass counter was this woman who seemed to want a sample of everything.

"Excuse me ... where's the..."

"What about that one?" the woman asked and pointed out the bottle to the sales clerk.

Time slowed down and I stood there ... invisible. By this time ... I really wanted to go. The sales clerk spritzed the woman a few times with another bottle of perfume ... I couldn't take it.

"I'm sorry," I interupted. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Right upstairs."

"Thanks."

I rushed up the escalators to the next floor and spun around looking for anything that said 'rest room' or had that little white male icon on blue or whatever color on the door. I've heard the stories about the bathrooms at that very same JC Penney. It's a pickup spot for a lot of guys in the area. I rushed in and into the first stall I saw empty, slammed the door shut and actually let out a small almost orgasmic moan. Y'know when you get near to the bathroom and the pressure builds up? Like your eyes have already told your bladder that it wont be long now ... and when you finally get to the bathroom ... there's no better feeling than the release. The 30 seconds or however long I took just stretched out. I didn't even notice the stuff scribbled on the walls at first.

I washed my hands, saw a couple pretty suspicious men lingering about and quickly left. I walked aimlessly around the mall for a while and then dropped by Old Navy. I figured I'd check out what they had on clearance or just do what I did the last time. Buy stuff to get my 'shopping fix' and just carry 'em back the next day. Shopping gives me control again. Any sort of shopping but especially clothes or shoes. Oh oh ... and computer stuff. Any bad feelings I may have had ... just .... melt way.

They had some pretty nice tees on clearance. Jeans too but I was all about quantity. Plus its harder to find jeans my size on clearance than tees. Just a little bit though. All the good shirts are XL or XXL. It's as if guys that size don't shop enough and there's always stuff that size left over. I found 2 pretty cool tees, got 'em and left.

By the time I walked out of Old Navy .. my shopping fix had totally kicked in. My face got brighter and I felt like I could take anything on. Hehe ... silly ... I know. I got some Twizzlers to snack on and walked back over to Kinko's. I'm soooo glad my laptop's fixed so I'm able to get online again. I put my headphones on like I always do and listened to my MP3's while chatting with Ricky, Tenshi, Husani and some other people.

Ever seen that Staples commercial where this guy starts checking out stuff in the store and sets up an office. Puts everything he needs on a desk and even orders takeout? *laughs* .... One of the workers comes up and asked if he ordered takeout and the guy's like "Yup ... it's gonna be a long night."

I spend so much time at Kinko's ... I feel like that guy hehe. I had a good time though. Chomping down Twizzlers and snickering like a moron at stuff Husani was saying. The guy next to me kept staring hehe. I checked out art schools and took a good look at the school in Miami that I wanted to go to. Miami Ad. Looking at some of the students' work instantly inspired me and I totally finished the logo I was working on. I'll email it to them in the morning and see what they think.